How To Plan Your Own GTA IV Crime Spree

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Grand Theft Auto mania is running wild, brother! We figured in the spirit of the game’s release, many of you hooligans are either feeling the game so much that you’ve got your own little real life crime spree planned, or you’re so scared from the game’s contents, that you’re ready to go all out military protection and armor down the hatchets.

Either way, we’ve got you covered.

First things first, you’re going to need to get yourself a weapon. And we’re not talking some sort of pussy boy vagina stinger, oh no. We need some real artillery for a real life GTA simulation.

Gearfuse GTA Weapon of Choice:

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The Foldable 9mm Submachine Gun / Portable Radio

When you’re running around slaughtering members of assorted gangs, you’re going to need a foolproof plan to high-tail your ass away from the hitmen that will be tailing your ass. You’re going to have a target on your manhood, son. But when you’re hiding away in the catacombs of your secret headquarters, you’re going to need some sort of entertainment to keep you going. The added radio feature on this firearm is that little piece of the outside world you’ll need to stay sane, while the bullets inside will rip through any of those dirty mexican gang members you’ve got trying to stick a shank through your chest.

 

And no street warrior would be complete without a full armor system to protect their fleshy body from the knives and bullets headed their way.

Gearfuse GTA Armor of Choice:

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The Urban Security Suit

Man, you’ve always gotta look good for any perspective cities on the slaughter trail. And trust me, if you’re planning on rocking a full blown bullet-proof vest and camo gear, you’re not going to be getting any sort of ass that you aren’t paying for. The Urban Security Suit is a perfect cross between chic, fashion ware and badass protection. You’ll still have to keep an eye on the lookout for any sausage-toting German mobsters, but at least you can look good while doing it.

 

There will be a point where you’re going to have to do something which is almost as bad as dying. You’ll have to play dead. Every true criminal needs a decoy! It’s just part of the rules.

Gearfuse GTA Decoy of Choice:

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The Blood Puddle Pillow

Let’s be honest. Unless you have extensive breathing training and can slow down your heartbeat to a standstill, you won’t even be able to prove to a fucking deaf blind mute that you’re dead. But from a distance, the Blood Puddle Pillow can create the illusion of lifelessness, be it due to a blunt force trauma to the head or whatever method of death you deem fit. Aside from the decoy purposes, the Blood Puddle provides a comfortable plush area to lay your head, because who knows how long you’ll have to lay there and listen to some foreign language poisoning your ears as your comrades sit and sip vodka in celebration of your death.

 

At the end of the day, the most important part of your life will be your family. If you have a young baby living in your home, you’re going to need a protection plan for the baby on board.

Gearfuse GTA Baby Protection of Choice:

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The Bullet Proof Stroller

Why miss out on all the action just because you have a little brat at home? The Bullet Proof Stroller provides not only a form of protection for the little ones, but a real time saver for you, since now you can just bring the little bundle of joy along with you! The Kevlar-encased stroller is an all-in-one transport and armored vehicle for your kid (which probably isn’t even yours, knowing that dirty slut.) The baby will get their first real taste of the crime life so they can follow in daddy’s footsteps.

 

And of course, you’d be stuck without a totally sick vehicle to get you from point A to point B without being spotted. A mode of transportation is key to a successful crime campaign.

Gearfuse GTA Transportation of Choice:

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The Armchair Cruiser

While it sure as hell isn’t the most inconspicuous mode of transportation, you’ll enjoy the comfort of the Armchair Cruiser after a hard day’s work of intense violence and physical manhandling. Maybe you can even chug back a few brews on your journey and still feel at home. While drinking and driving certainly isn’t legal, after a day full of splattered blood and dismemberment, a DUI would be the least of your worries. If your lucky enough to spot an enemy gang member before they see you, the Armchair Cruiser also gives you the opportunity to set-up shop in an alley somewhere and appear to be just you’re everyday vagrant that managed to scoop up a used plush seat for his cardboard condo (or perhaps it fell off the back of a truck.)

 

Now, just make sure you’ve got enough money and food stashed away in shoe boxes to last you for a while, and you’re good to go on your way. You’re now past inspection to run your very own GTA IV campaign! Good luck, and show those cockroaches who’s boss.

 

2 comments

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