Apparently there is a problem in England. A serious one. You see, people just can’t go on eating baked beans without warm toast. Where is the humanity in that? No, we’re not kidding. And either is Heinz with their new Turbofan Toaster which promises to toast bread in 50 seconds flat.
The use of titanium fans spinning at a rate of 10,000 rotations per minute allows for toast times to be shaved down from 141 seconds to a merciful 50 seconds. The bread is heated via “nylon-based laser technology”. Can we get a toaster like this, but with a few machine gun turrets added on? Thanks, Heinz. You’re the best. — Andrew Dobrow