Gearfuse

If you’ve been meaning to take that one-man jug band experiment from your dreams into fruition, but just haven’t been able to find a way to fit in all the instruments you’d need to put on a satisfactory show, look no further. We’ve found your new ridiculous tool of the trade.

The Washboard Tie is played with a pair of thimbles, which just screams “I’m a sex god.” Ultra-compact and, let’s not forget, ultra-trendy. Your one-man show is almost ready to hit the road. With this tie, you’re destined for the big time.

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Not quite completely fingerless, but just enough so that you can access your touch screen phone, the Etre Touchy Gloves keep your hands as warm as possible, covering all of your fingers except the thumb and forefinger. Sure, it might be mustache-free, but that’s the price you have to pay.

With only two fingers missing warmth, you might look a little silly, but the utility of not having to remove your gloves, and not being pushed away from wearing gloves in the first place, is so worth it. The winter chill is harsh, but so is not having any access to my iPhone. At least I can save my other three fingers from frostbite.

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Not only are these the only jeans ever officially approved and developed by Chuck Norris, but they also happen to make your ass look pretty toight… toight like a toiger. Tight in all the right places, without the camel knuckle.

Guaranteed not to bind your legs when delivering roundhouse kicks to the face, the Chuck Norris Action Jeans give you the action movie feel, all climax, no suspense and plenty of leg thrusts to the gut. Just how we like it.

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You say cheap and raggedy. I say fabulous and trendy. This fleece Paper Bag Hat transforms any upstanding citizen into the scourge of society. And that’s just absolutely fierce.

Hobos are just so “in” right now. Where do you think Kate Moss got that trim physique? Years of starvation and hardship. Mmm, sexy.

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All of those cassette tapes being thrown into our trash dumps are really starting to add up. Piles and piles of Journey tapes lie waste, just waiting for a superhero to come and recycle them into a constructive use.

If you don’t have the patience to create an artist’s likeness with the innards of a cassette, maybe these Recycled Cassette Tape Neckties will strike your fancy. If there’s one thing I never even thought to imagine, it was that I’d be wearing cassette tapes in the future as formal wear. But hey, whatever works, right?

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Consider this hoodie owned. So gonna buying myself one of these.

Perfect for those cool October evenings as Halloween slowly approaches. Really not a horrible way to spend $60.

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I don’t know about where you’re from, how could I? But I do know that in these parts, winter means frigid temperatures. Jersey gets the best (and worst) of both worlds. Extreme heat and intense cold.

The heat part is easy, all I have  to do is walk around naked. It’s the chilliness that starts getting tricky. Out come the layers and bye-bye goes the skin. Unfortunately for Grandma, I have a new pattern I’m going to physically force her to knit. These Mario Mushroom Wrist Warmers will keep me and my family’s wrists warm this season, all cozy under our Mario hoodies. Even if my wrists get more activity than they should, they still get frigid in the chilly Jersey winter.

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One of the best things about this time of the season is that we get to whip out our stylish hoodies, especially over here in Jersey where the smog blocks out the sun. We’ve seen a fair share of cool hoodies in our day, but none that explore the majesty of Super Mario.

I’m pretty sure it’s a law that every geek needs an outfit for every season consisting entirely of Mario gear. So I really don’t have much of a choice but to whip out the $48 for one of these. There should really be some sort of government-ran financial aid program for Mario gear, especially if they are going to force it on us. Damn socialists.

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When I get out of bed in the morning, I must admit, I’m not feeling the Force as strong as I should be. Hell, some mornings I don’t even feel the Schwartz. I know, I know, I should feel the Force at all times, but without my trusty Jedi robes, I don’t feel much of anything.

The force is always with me… in bed. Wielding my flesh-toned Penissaber, my conquest against the evil Darth Vagina will not cease until penetration is complete.

Link (Thanks Becky!)

Us humans are so vicious. We take poor innocent potatoes, skin them while their friends watch and then mash them into a creamy pulp. Doesn’t sound too appetizing when explained so truthfully, huh?

But what happens to the dead potatoes that are left behind? They become zombie potatoes, of course. This Zombie Potato Halloween costume is equally bizarre and surreal. I don’t care who you are, if you were being attacked by a giant fuckin’  rotting potato with teeth, you’d shit your pants. Me? I’d shit my pants regardless.

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