Fancy spiders? Check out this creative piece of Flash animation. You can pull a spider around by its legs or just toss it about, making it your helpless victim for any torture you see fit. Still, no one wants to touch a real spider of that size anywhere but here, where the sky is the limit (actually it’s 255 pixels.) You can adjust the scale of both the body and legs, the color and even the speed of the spider. Have a cat? Let the good times roll my friend.

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Have you been to Coney Island lately? It’s the prime spot for carny games and funnel cake. Now, it’s got even more appeal, with robots acting out the infamous torture technique of waterboarding. It’ll have you running in terror as if you’re being chased by a creepy old man bot. Artist Steve Powers opened the “Waterboard Thrill Ride” on West 12th Street in Coney Island not just for profit and laughs but for a deeper meaning.

I bet you’ve never witnessed a Guantánamo Bay interrogation: a creepy figure in a dark sweatshirt acts as “executioner” as it leans over another figure in an orange jumpsuit, its face covered by a towel and its body strapped down on a tilted surface. So, is it a haunted house or what? Steve Powers explains:

“What’s more obscene, the official position that waterboarding is not torture, or our official position that it’s a thrill ride?”

Good point, Mr. Powers. Waterboarding is just as much torture as leaving someone alone in a dark room with a Nokia N-Gage.

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What is it with torture that makes the “One Man” series of gadgets so alluring. One Man Tied was a bondage-themed cable organizer, and now we have the penial wine stopper, One Man Stuck.

I can’t help but be slightly jealous of this man’s extremely large member. Here I am with barely a portabella mushroom, and there he is with an extension that’s larger than his whole body. What an asshole. — Andrew Dobrow

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Feeling a little masochistic? Well don’t go beat your kids just yet. Here’s a safer alternative to unleash some of that built up violence. One Man Tied is a unique cable tidy hook that not only helps organize your cables, but leaves you with the satisfaction of a fresh torture, without the guilt.

This 4″ tall poor little man is available in both orange and white (although awkwardly shown as red on the product’s page). As you tidy up your cables, you’ll start to realize why the One Man Tied looks to be in such agony. But, look at it this way. No need to hit your kids, no screaming wife, no pleas for mercy, and most importantly, no need to create excuses when you bring your kid into the hospital with a fractured skull. Hell, no more hospital bills! Well worth the $12 for violent child beaters. — Andrew Dobrow

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