To become a true Jedi knight you must be properly trained. Both humans and frogs alike must travel to the swamp planet of Dagobah to seek out Yoda, the legendary Jedi knight.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the money to send my pet frog to same fancy pants Jedi school. The best I can afford is this Dagobah Frog Tank. It might not exactly be a trip into the stars, but that’s the best he’s gonna get.
Attention, scientists! For a whopping twenty five bucks, you can be the proud owner of ThinkGeek’s latest toy: The Bacteria Growth Science Kit. It comes with a petri dish, an eye dropper, pipettes, test tubes and packages of Agar. Remember Agar? It’s that stuff that you’d use in science class as a kid to grow bacteria, which is exactly the aim of this kit. That shit loves to grow with Agar.
Have you played any of the games in the Resident Evil series? No? Then skip to another post.
For the rest of us, ThinkGeek is offering up an umbrella that would make Leon shit his pants with fear any day of the week. It’s a sturdy red and white umbrella that resembles the logo of the Umbrella Corporation. You know, the same one that created the T-Virus that wiped out Raccoon City. Classy. It can be yours for a mere $15 but the sex you’ll get from using it is priceless. And by priceless, I mean nothing.
I love sushi. Whether I’m eating it or sleeping on it, it’s all good. These ThinkGeek pillows modeled after popular Japanese cuisine run anywhere from $45 to $60 dollars and come in a variety of different styles/flavors. Tuna, salmon, shrimp, salmon roe and even edamame have all been turned into stylish plush pillows. I’ve gotten a hold of the salmon roll pillow because what kind of a Jew would I be on Hanukkah if I wasn’t sleeping on top of a large piece of salmon? Exactly.
Currently all models are out of stock, but if you’re interested in obtaining one keep checking back. They’re bound to get more in eventually. Until then, use your R2D2 soy sauce bottle on some real sushi to hold yourself over.
Even on Halloween, when you’re all hopped up on candy, using a mouse can be tiring. For the people who don’t use a vocally controlled mouse, you’re going to need a place to rest your hand. Good thing ThinkGeek is selling this foam wrist-rest that’s shaped like a disembodied hand. It’s perfect for October. $9.99 isn’t a bad price for either a wrist-rest or Halloween decoration. This hand doubles as both!
ThinkGeek does it again! This time, the gadget outfitter is offering up a pair of night vision goggles for the low price of $90. That’s right. For under $100, you can get a pair of goggles that will truly unleash your inner peeping tom. ThinkGeek is sold out right now but it’s taking backorders and they’ll ship October 6th.
Love played out Internet memes? Of course you do! Why not drop your hard earned cash on these LOLmagnets from ThinkGeek? At $20, you’ll only have to take 4 or 5 showers to wash off all the shame you’ll encounter from purchasing these. You’ll get a ridiculous LOLspeak manual and 384 “words” to spell out kooky catch phrases with.
CAN WE HAZ STOOPID MEME END NOW? KTHXBAI.
Last night, I watched the David Lynch flick Blue Velvet for the first time ever. I was shocked so much, that I still don’t think I’m over it. The doctor tells me I should do something “fun and stimulating.” So, taking his advice, I dropped $10 on this UFO flying disc from ThinkGeek. It glows in the dark and transforms while in flight to become a UFO. At this point, I’ll take a space alien over Frank and his nitrous tank.
“Don’t you fucking look at me!”
If you’re not familiar with Miracle Fruit, allow me to enlighten you. It’s a small, red berry that turns your taste buds up a notch. Sour things will taste sweet and sweet things will taste insanely sweet. Normally, these berries are a rare find in the US and the few Internet retailers that carry them are backordered like a motherfucker. Solution? ThinkGeek.
Unlike other retailers, ThinkGeek is only backordered until next week. But these Miracle Berry Fruit Tablets are essentially a powdered form of the fruit. No more worrying about the freshness of the berries. Just pop one in your mouth and let the fun begin. At $20 for 10 tablets, it’s not the cheapest fun around but it’s way better than a $100 minimum order. Try eating your own excrement and see if it tastes like peanut butter ice cream!
Be afraid…be very afraid. The SnuzNLuz Alarm Clock teaches you to be more punctual in one of the most torturous ways possible. SnuzNLuz connects directly to your bank account and donates money to an organization you can’t stand every time you oversleep. The example used is the GOP. For all we care you can set it to be the NAACP. Whatever gets your ass out of bed and keeps your money in check.
Though if you do decide to order a SnuzNLuz, we suggest donating money to the “feed the Gearfuse writers” fund. All proceeds will be used to feed me. Setup is easy. The clock is equipped with Ethernet and WiFi capabilities and it supports over 1600 different banks, so yours is probably there. ThinkGeek offers these donation ideas:
Are you a butcher? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to PETA.
Are you a republican? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the ACLU!
Are you a land developer? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the Wilderness Society!
Enjoy your freedom? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the GOP.
Are you a hippie? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the American Coal Foundation.
Are you a Ninja? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to, hrrrm, we can’t find a Pirate Charity at the moment. But there must be one somewhere anyways, the point is it’s easy to setup once you identify your enemy!
We’d like to add “Are you not an asshole? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to Gearfuse.” Oh, we’re just kidding. But seriously…give us money. — Andrew Dobrow
