Growing marijuana is a crime and that’s a damned shame. It’s no mystery that it’s a great pain reliever and can turn any award winning drama into a laugh-out-loud comedy. The war on drugs has always been a controversial topic in the realm of political agenda and the media. It’s only getting more controversial now that they’re busting growers with GPS turtles. Yes, GPS turtles.

After reports of several marijuana fields throughout Rock Creek Park south of the DC/Maryland line, the U.S. Park Police set up surveillance. Ordinarily that would mean they equipped the area with strategically placed cameras, but instead they exposed this grower with help from a box turtle fashioned with a GPS device. They eventually found the little guy crawling through a big pot field. What a terrible way to go down…busted by a turtle.

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Listen, there’s no time to explain. Government agents are looking for you. They’ll blend in, disappear and even take the persona of family and friends. Before you know it, your own dog could be working for the feds. You’ll need eyes everywhere.

That’s where the Delta spy kite comes in. A kite with a camera capable of snapping photos from 25 meters high. Not even the NSA will be able to touch you at that height. Shred all your personal documents with your spy pen, put on your spy glasses and let that kite soar. When your all done with reconnaissance, just plug the camera in via USB and upload the dirty little secrets to your computer. For $57.40, you’d better snag it before it self-destructs.

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We’ve seen artificial corneas that could replace damaged organic corneas, but how about a digital image sensor that adjusts itself like a human retina? That’s exactly what John Rogers at the University of Illinois is creating. An improved method of transferring silicon sensors onto a curved surface allowing for the sensor to capture wide-angle views with low distortion. Because it avoids using a conventional flat surface for image capturing, this digital retina is able to perform feats that ordinary cameras cannot. It’ll eventually lead to advancements in security surveillance and capturing wildlife footage.

Using conventional chip manufacturing technology, John Rogers and his colleagues have found a way to bend silicone without forming creases in it. The camera they built has only 256 pixels, making it a low-resolution camera, but they claim the same technique used to craft this camera could be used to craft a wide-angled megapixel camera.  The ladies dorm just got more accessible, Porky’s-style.

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Everybody knows it can be dangerous to have porn on your computer at work, but now it seems like none of your files are safe from prying eyes. Thanks to some recent court rulings and new policies at the Department of Homeland Security, any traveler crossing the US border can have their laptops and other electronic devices seized and examined by the feds.

There are tips for encrypting your data online, but it seems like old fashioned password protection is still the best way to go. Still, even that’s not a sure thing. For the time being, it’s probably not a good idea to have anything on your computer or camera that you wouldn’t want to share with the US government while traveling abroad.

Next time I cross the border I plan on bringing nothing but a flash drive stocked with explicit pictures– of my fat white ass. Search that fools!

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[Photo: Nat'l Archives]

“The public are the best weapon for fighting crime,” says United Kingdom’s Home Secretary Jacqui Smith after introducing a new approach to criminal statistical surveillance earlier this month. Once police in England and Wales started publishing their monthly crime statistics, giving the public more information on local crime information, they knew they had to take it one step further. The government plans for a system of interactive maps showing the public when and where crimes have happened, so everyone can get in on beating up the local thug.

“By rolling out up-to-date, interactive crime maps we can better inform people about crime problems in their area and enable them to have much more of a say in what their local police focus on,” Jacqui Smith added.

Quite frankly, I don’t give two shits where the criminals are, so long as they’re no where near me. The law is taking matters into it’s own hands, cause they’re pissed at Google.  By the end of the year, every neighborhood in England and Wales will have access to local crime information. The police are thinking, “can’t someone else do it?” I foresee multiple citizen arrests.

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Olympus Japan today announced the development of the worlds first 360 degree lens and camera prototype. With a vertical coverage of 180 degrees this camera is a boon to surveillance systems everywhere.  This camera won’t miss a thing as it can cover every possible angle so long as the room isn’t too asymmetrical.

No word from Olympus if the prototype camera will be commercialized or how much it’ll cost, but you can bet it’ll be out of the price range of most consumers.

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New spy cam software has been compared to scramble suits worn by narcotics officers in Philip K Dick’s novel/movie A Scanner Darkly. No one wants their own mug shown in some criminal surveillance video simply because you became an anecdote for “the wrong place at the wrong time.” With this new software, faces will be blurred and encrypted; protecting the identity of anyone innocent that is caught on camera. So, just because some other guy seems to be proceeding through life like “a cat without whiskers perpetually caught behind the refrigerator” doesn’t mean you have to suffer for it.

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It’s not surprise your house is bugged by the CIA. After all, you did conspire with Colonel Sanders on a dirty bomb made from re-fried mac and cheese. Right now you’re in a tight place and every word you say can be used against you when you’re getting fucked hard by a judge. Avoid doing hard time with this $70 Laser Surveillance Defeater. Slap one to your window and people listening in won’t be able to hear anything thanks to jamming frequencies made specifically for long-distance microphones.

You can always save the $70 but you’ll be dead within the hour. Make haste!

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Israeli company Linceus is introducing a monorail robot designed to patrol large areas such as airport perimeters/Gaza Strip without the need to hire rent-a-cops for security. The bot is capable of reaching speeds up to 50 MPH.  It’s equipped with an array of sensors such as thermal cameras, laser designators and a rangefinder.

It’s a damn shame it doesn’t have an arsenal of killer weapons but it does feature some nonlethal alternatives: a high powered spotlight, loud sirens and other gadgets to spook would-be vandals.  If only Disneyworld had one of these when I took a shit on the Epcot Monorail.

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Much of the newest level of Big Brother-type surveillance seems overly paranoid for my taste, and this just takes it to a whole new level of suspicion. Scientists at Georgia Tech have been dabbling with an idea which is the best thing since Bird’s Ass View. The prospect of producing cyborg SpyBot moth’s, which are implanted with surveillance equipment in their larval stages of development.

The problems start when the moth makes its way out of its larval webbing. How do you control where the moth goes? Scientists are working on an answer for that exact question, with the best idea centering around some bizarre brain control which would take control of the insect’s flying route. — Andrew Dobrow

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