Take a peek at this video of Rollercoaster Tycoon 3. Who doesn’t love messing with an amusement park’s rides to make massacres occur at will? In Tycoon 2, I used to build the free fall rides real short, but make it launch at high speeds. It was a death trap ride I named “Suicide Machine“. This video shows a roller coaster track being built into a pedestrian walkway. Hilarity ensues as most of the victims walk away from the “accident”. Much more fun than building your own mini coaster kit.

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What better way to show your friends what a suicidal psychopath you are with a tie that, although doesn’t look too much like a noose, is called “Neck Noose”. That’s close enough for me. Resembling a broken rope signifying your freedom from the corporate slave market, this tie comes in two flavors: a $40 silk version and a $30 microfiber design. The microfiber comes in an assortment of wacky colors to pronounce to everyone in the work place that you’ll be hanging yourself by the water cooler at around eleven o’ clock.

You’ve got to look your best even on your most glum of days.  If there is anyway to get people at the office to pay attention to you, a noose around the neck would be it.

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Smoking is a dirty and dangerous habit, yet one of the toughest and most popular ways of killing yourself. Cut out the extended suicide of cigarette smoking by buying your beloved smoker this Coughing Screaming Ash Tray. Every time they light up and start to ash into the tray, the fleshy lungs starts emitting a retched coughing fit and screams of agony. This will always remind them of the pain and suffering they are setting themselves up to experience.

We actually really like the design and how the esophagus makes for a nice place to rest your cancer stick as you fumble around for your oxygen tank. The tray costs $9.99. A small price if it was to actually work. But to be realistic, they’ll probably just not use the ash tray. — Andrew Dobrow

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