I knew I shouldn’t have bought a militarized set of stationary holders. Thank God I didn’t get the uranium processing plant tape dispenser!
These Stationary Troops stationary holders are apt to launch an attack against you. Just don’t look at them the wrong way. In fact, just don’t look at them at all.
The super poly-deity Zeus was known for wielding lightning as a symbol for his all powerful ways. Now we can also harness Zeus’ lightning bolt, though for a much more humble task. We just want to open our damn letters without the piece of shit ripping to shreds by the time we get to it.
From the size of this thing, it seems the lightning bolt could also be used for other tasks slightly less stationary-themed, such as burgulary, homicide, and meat cleaving. We’ll use it to scrape between our teeth after a steak dinner. That would be sweet. — Andrew Dobrow
