In a darker period of my life, I was always trying to bone fat chicks. As outlandish as the claim may seem, I swear that I just could not keep my hands off these bitches like an Italian to pizza dough. It was bad. However, I always kept a certain level of standards that I followed dilligently:

1. Fatties must be under 300 pounds.

2. Must have a vagina.

Thanks to my rigorous standards and this beautiful, hand-crafted (my ass) wooden scale, I was able to weigh fatties in quicker than a New Jersey truck stop. At $60, the scale not only looked great but was also easily replaced when a bitch lied and told me she was 150. She ended up being 459 pounds and sometimes ballooning to 478 after buckets of KFC. I’m so ashamed.

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Before you pop enough wood to start a paper mill, you should know that these are scale models of roller coasters. At 1:48 scale, they’re no tiny LEGO bricks. This is a real, working roller coaster that uses gravity to fling it left and right, up and down. Shown above is the Dragon, a $500 model that has an electric geared lift and enough seats to make all your Mighty Max action figures barf.

Each kit comes with extra parts and is expandable, meaning you could spend some serious time and money building a bunch of tiny coasters in your living room. Anyone wanna guess why the above photo was taken on a beach? I’m clueless and my head hurts.

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Hey, fatty / string bean / muscle man / average weight person or otherwise. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Why must you lie to yourself? You think you’re so healthy, but trust me, there must be something wrong with you. And whatever it is, you bet your ass the Overall Health Balance Scale finds it and taunts you with it.

To be honest, there are other scales that might take the same exact measurements. The Overall device measures your weight, BMI, subcutaneous fat ratio, organ fat level, muscle level, and basal metabolic rate, but does it stop there? Psh, of course not. This little bugger goes even further, grading your health in each category on a five point scale, and then offering you a overall health rating based on your age. If your plump paunch is so large in circumference that you can’t read the digital read out, an easy-to-read screen is able to be read at eye level. That is, if you haven’t already lost your upper limbs to diabetes.

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Those clumsy scales your drug dealer uses to measure out your share of the cocaine is not as easy to use as it appears. It’s years of drug dealing experience that have led to his expert use. If you feel the need to get your local drug dealer something they will actually use, and not snort away, but can’t afford a plush-covered Porsche this Spoon with a Built-In Scale is a little something sweet.

No guarantees on whether purchasing this item for them will spare you the trouble of having a few fingers cut off in return of your debt, but he might just let you keep your balls if the scale spoon, which measures accurately within 1?10 gram, happens to be on the back of his mind as he slices. — Andrew Dobrow

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If you’ve been saving up your cash so you can own your own Ford GT Nitro, forget about it. It’s not worth the novelty when you can own your very own 1/5th scale remote controlled model of the car for a fraction of the price of the real thing. And when we say it’s a scale model, we mean it, not like one of those full-sized Hummer R/C jobbies. Featuring a23cc engine, a 450cc fuel tank and a 15kg metal gear ratio. It has 2WD and disc brakes for realistic stopping, plus a 3 channel FM radio, assembled chassis, and a Fail-Safe mode.

Large models always make things more awesome. It’s a scientific fact. Don’t believe us? It was proven by the good people at the Gearfuse School Of Fact Fabrication. Don’t shoot the messenger. Get your own Ford GT Nitro Gas R/C for a whopping $650, marked down from $850. — Andrew Dobrow

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I’ve had girlfriends in the past that have been utterly terrified of the scale. They’d rather be seen wearing this hat in public than know how much they weigh (and god forbid if I were to glance over their shoulder and glimpse a digit or two.) We can only imagine that MiBody would be those ladies’ equivalent of the apocalypse. And we shudder to think what could happen if they ever hear of DoCoMo’s ego-crushing phone.

Not only does the MiBody scale tell you your weight, but goes on to badger you about your body fat, body water, muscle mass, BMI, BMR, and probably other nasty abbreviations starting with ‘B’. MiBody even has the nerve to offer you USB transfer of these stats to your computer. As if you want to know how much larger your waist line is growing. Shove it up your ass, MiBody! Everyone can’t have that conceptual super-thin black sleekness that your body does! — Andrew Dobrow

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