Not every kid can swim like Michael Phelps, though every kid ought to. Parents, we understand. Sometimes you just don’t feel like sitting around watching the kids splash the water from the safety of dry land. After all, if they aren’t winning Olympic gold, what’s the point? That’s exactly why you bought the Safety Turtle Wireless Pool Security System for $167, effectively putting a price tag on your child’s life. Now you don’t have to worry about your kids drowning in a pool just because you were too busy doing the latest New York Times crossword puzzle.

It’s easy to use, too. Just plug the base station in and it will work in all directions up to 200 feet away. If the turtle sensor is submerged, the base station let’s out a wail that painfully reminds you of what a negligent parent you are. The creators of the Safety Turtle are not liable for any loss of life due to your lack of practice with CPR.

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Listening to music while relaxing in your swimming pool just got a whole lot easier. Neiman Marcus’ website is selling a floating wireless speaker for $150, which includes the base and one speaker. Any additional speakers would be an extra $100. The speakers are able to go up to 9-feet underwater for up to 30 minutes, just in case you dive on top of one. But no worries, as they can “swim” better than most people, as they won’t stay submerged. With 150 feet wireless range and up to 6 hours of battery life, the floating speaker is the perfect gadget on a sunny day by your pool.
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The next time I go swimming, I want one of these Submergency Balls to play with. You can set it to sink or float to any depth in the water. Throw it in and try to find it before the timer goes off and it starts flashing. The ball even blends in with the water, thanks to the aqua blue coloring.

With no player limits and basic fun stretched to the max, the Submergency Ball is ideal for anyone over the age of 6 looking to have a good time in the pool. Pick it up for $20 and be ready to plunk down $5 more for AAA batteries.

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Pool noodles are synonymous with summer. In fact, we can’t recall any other use that pool noodles have ever been used for. All we remember are memories from our youth in which we would be chasing after our younger siblings and friends with the noodle between our legs, threatening to smack them with our phallus. Though we now see it as used for productively than simply a scare tactic device. The Pasta Chair integrates the comfort of long tubes into a chair form.

The Pasta Chair is actually made for a child’s room, but we would seriously consider getting one if it wasn’t for our fear of accusations of homosexuality. We are blindly homophobic. Which must sound odd coming from someone who just admitted to threatening to flog someone with a foam monolith of love. It actually looks pretty comfortable. — Andrew Dobrow

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