Gearfuse

Let’s not kid ourselves. There are probably a handful of people in the U.S. with a cock the size of a small child (no not the cock of a small child, a cock the size of a small child) and you’re not one of them. Unless your planning on wearing this thing every single day, I don’t know how much good it’s going to do. But I guess by the time your date is ripping off your pants to see your little surprise, it’s a little too late.

The Trouser Expander includes some pump-action for altering your bulge size on the go. You don’t get that awkward lumpiness like you do with socks. The ladies just love a squirrel sized dong.

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Apparently the nuclear wars of the future will force are penises to evolve into vestigial appendages resembling a foot. Look, when I prayed to wake up with a foot-long in my pants, this wasn’t quite what I meant, dude.

Sadly, this fore-telling shirt doesn’t say who’s first to drop the bomb. My money’s on the Polish. Well, that’s not entirely true. First, my money’s on this shirt. $14.95 of it to be exact.

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People need to measure stuff. There’s no denying that. And to the best of my knowledge, doctors still aren’t removing splinters out of your schlonger for free. So it is with a great relief that the old school wooden ruler has finally wizened up and gotten itself a digital display.

Push down on the edge of the device  to mark where you want to measure and the ruler’s circuitry does the rest.

I hear that rulers are also useful for purposes other than measuring your junk.  I remain a skeptic.

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Vaginas aren’t the only genitals that can grow teeth. Watch out ladies, my penis is very hungry. Hope you’re not bleeding! Sharks can sense that you know.

The Man Shark is basically a cock-ring with jagged (albeit, gentle) teeth, creating the illusion of the dreaded cockious sharkus. If you want to scare off almost any girl, this is a perfect way of doing it.

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I’m not going to print designer (and possibly musician?) Nick Cave’s little manifesto on why he created furry penis costumes. That’s between him, god and his altar boy but regardless, some of these designs are pretty unique (read: penis-shaped). As the head of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, Cave calls his “Soundsuits” wearable costumes that hide every trace of identity.

Yes, this is true. Where am I going with this? Nowhere. March 28th, San Francisco – be there if you want to catch these things in action. After the jump, a few more shots of Cave’s suits.
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Noby Noby Boy is the latest upcoming title from Katamari Damacy creator Keita Takahashi. It’ll be hitting the Playstation Network in early 2009 and most of us will buy it. Why? You’ll be stretching a colorful rainbow penis around in 3-D space for hours. Twirl it around, make it into a pretzel, whatever. Compete against people online to see who can stretch their penis the longest. Something like that. Either way, 1UP has a hands on preview you’ll want to read about for a better understanding.

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Do you have a small penis? Have you tried every pill known to man that claims to increase male enhancement? Do penis enlargement pumps hurt your manhood? Then you desperately need the PEP (Penis Enlargement Pants). OK, so it’s more like underwear.

No matter, because it still claims to increase the size of your genitalia by stretching your wang while you work, play or just lounge around the house. For $110 well spent on underwear that’ll have the ladies gasping at your overly-stretched and deformed schlong, how could you afford not to buy it?

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Perhaps the greatest use of a remote controlled device in history: a flying penis flew into the middle of a speech from former chess master and Russian political activist, Garry Kasparov. It seems someone took the time to turn an RC helicopter into a flying cock.

After the security guard swatted it to the ground, Kasparov says, “I think we have to be thankful for the opposition’s demonstration of the level of discourse we need to anticipate. Also, apparently most of their arguments are located beneath the belt.” Someone in the audience shouts, “Finally the political power shows its face!” Kasparov quickly replies, “Well, if that’s its face…” to laughter from the audience.

A large flying penis that took nearly 20 seconds before someone decided to swat it out of the air. I’m pretty sure the last thing you’re going to want to do after seeing a flying penis is touch it. Hit the jump for video of the junk in action.

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Apparently, the iPhone is still fodder for shitty jokes and tasteless products.

Case in point: the iCondom. With a box strikingly similar to Apple’s flagship telecommunications device, it’s no humongous 3G iPhone but it’s packed with goodies that are meant to be touched. iMemory, iLight, iTree and iFood are all part of the iCondom package. Allow me to inform you a bit about the iMemory:

This condom is made of latex of the special formula which possesses effect of memory. It is enough to you to put on a condom right at the beginning of the coitus on standing penis and after that you can forget about possible weakening of erection during the coitus.

Do you hear that? That’s right, it’s awkward silence. Awkward silence because the iTree helps your girlfriend take it up the butt. Luckily iCondom is pre-order only for now. God knows what would happen if these showed up in Apple stores across the country.

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Normally, when new USB drive hits the market, it’s not cause for concern in the slightest. But I have a feeling that this particular one-gigabyte drive will not only turn heads like that $300,000 watch you wish you owned, but will also encourage females to hop on your genitalia and ride you like a ferris wheel.

Now look at that box. What would you guess is inside? Take a guess.

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