For the opening and closing ceremonies at the Olympics, the Beijing committee included RFID chips with spectators’ passport information and home/e-mail addresses in each ticket to prevent counterfeits and hacker intrusions. Like the RFID-driven Japanese urn system, the Beijing system makes sure that anyone who isn’t supposed to be there, won’t. Much like U.S. airport security, if you were a foreigner with an RFID ticket, you’d still get the ill treatment as if you were up to no good.

According to a Dutch businessman, he was asked to drink his sunscreen to prove it wasn’t an explosive and when he explained that he couldn’t drink sunscreen, he was let through without further inquiry. “The security was less than professional and not completely thorough,” he said.

That really does sound just like airport security here in the states. One time, I was forced to eat a bar of soap simply because it was the same color as Anthrax. After eating it, they let me through. When I went through the gate, I started vomiting up a foamy white solution. This led them to believe I was a terrorist. What a horrible vacation that was.

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“HAI! I IS MICHAEL PHELPS. ISN’T THIS COOL? I’M USING A COMPUTER UNDERWATER AND HAVE MICHIGAN’S LOGO TATTOO’D TO MAH DICK! O, SNAP. I USE TEH IMACS.”

He really isn’t all that photogenic.

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If you’re looking for a more realistic view of Beijing than the fake fireworks and lipsynching on Olympics broadcasts check out these photos. Roving reporters from the art blog Supertouch brought back excellent shots of street art, fashion, architecture, and hilariously misspelled english-language signage.

China is known for a harsh treatment of prisoners and intense government censorship. Beijing isn’t a place where I’d expect to find graffiti, but apparently there’s lots of great street art in the city. Read more to see some of the best examples graffiti and stencil artwork from Supertouch’s Beijing gallery.

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What makes a man? Is it tuna? Quite possibly, because Michael Phelps is now the greatest Olympian ever. He has shattered five world records while in Beijing and has now won his 11th career gold medal. Some say it’s because he’s a dolphin. While I don’t doubt that, I think he’s swimming so fast so he can use the toilet. The reasoning behind my theory? Here’s Phelps’ breakfast:

…Three sandwiches of fried eggs, cheese, lettuce, tomato, fried onions and mayonnaise, add one omelet, a bowl of grits, and three slices of french toast with powdered sugar, then wash down with three chocolate chip pancakes.

Phelps still has three races left to go before he’s done with China. It’s only a matter of time before he adds more gold medals under his belt and shows the world the USA means business. He’ll then communicate via sonar to his dolphin friends in the Pacific Ocean, where he’ll use their fins to ride into Maui.

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First, it was digitally altering the fireworks. Now those commie bastards are at it again! According to The Telegraph, the little 9-year-old girl in the red dress than sung “Hymn to the Motherland” during the opening ceremony, Lin Miaoke, is nothing more than a puppet. Turns out a small girl with “buck teeth” called Yang Peiyi was hitting all the notes backstage while the bitch in the red dress danced around.

At the last moment a member of the Chinese politburo who was watching a rehearsal pronounced that the winner, a girl called Yang Peiyi, might have a perfect voice but was unsuited to the lead role because of her buck teeth.

So, on the night, while a pre-recording of Yang Peiyi singing was played, Lin Miaoke, who has already featured in television advertisements, was seen but not heard.

“This was a last-minute question, a choice we had to make,” the ceremony’s musical designer, Chen Qigang, said. “Our rehearsals had already been vetted several times - they were all very strict. When we had the dress rehearsals, there were spectators from various divisions, including above all a member of the politburo who gave us his verdict: we had to make the swap.”

Seriously. Way to go, China. Your reputation is getting more and more sour by the minute. I fear that by the end of the Olympics, you’ll have rendered gold medals for every Chinese athlete using computer graphics.

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The Olympics are in full swing and even though those commie bastards from China cut our national anthem short during Phelps’ award ceremony, we still know the USA rules. Apparently, some of the people in China really do have small dicks, because according to a report from The Beijing Times, people watching the opening ceremony from home were treated to a 55-second CGI graphics sequence. Thought those fireworks were real? Not even close.

Speaking to The Beijing Times, an advisor to the Beijing Olympic Committee (BOCOG) defended the decision: “It would have been prohibitive to have tried to film it live,” he said.
“We could not put the helicopter pilot at risk by making him try to follow the firework route.”

So when you see Michael Phelps being eaten by a mutant dinosaur and Chinese gymnasts flying 100-feet above the stadium, remember to keep the computer trickery in mind.
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As the Beijing games kick into high gear, Internet watchdogs are warning against a rise in Olympic spam. SANS Storm Center, an organization dedicated to monitoring and analyzing spam attacks and computer virus threats, says computer users can expect to receive spam emails with Olympics-themed subject lines and text encouraging readers to click external links where they can be asked to give out their personal information or hit with malware.

There’s already been one high profile incident of Olympic spam involving news update emails purporting to be from CNN that actually led to fake codec updates packed with a nasty Trojan. Personally, I don’t fall for any spam schemes that don’t promise nude pictures of Hollywood starlets, but all you sports fans out there should be on guard when perusing your inbox this week.

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The world’s elitist runners are still affected by one factor that can’t easily be changed: the human body. Luckily, sports giant Nike has developed a suit that resembles the attire of American Gladiators and supposedly helps you run faster. A series of leg and arm coverings called the “Nike Swift System of Dress” allow a sprinter to move faster via improved aerodynamics and wind flow.

The secret? Little perforations in the clothing that cut down on wind resistance. The outfits aren’t as chic as a Tron garment, but hey, no one said sprintin’ was easy.

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If you happen to be around Bay Area in Cali, then check out the biggest robot Olympics in existence: RoboGames 2008. With over 70 mind-shattering events at the RoboGames, you won’t find any friendly robots cooking or committing to hair transplant surgery here. Battle robots, walking humanoids, soccer bots, sumo bots, and even androids that do kung-fu are put to the ultimate test. It’s an open event that any average schmo can participate in; so, check it out if you’re around the area this weekend.
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Excitement is mounting about the Olympics in Beijing. Some pretty extravagant arrangements are being erected (LOLz, erect) to show off Beijing’s growing environmental friendliness. The Greenpix Zero Energy Wall stands at the Xicui entertainment complex near the site of the Olympic Games.

The Greenpix wall uses a combination of the largest color LED display technology with a photovoltaic system, which allows the wall to burn only the energy it produces itself. The big ass wall is planned to go live at some point this month with a bunch of video installations and live performances by artists from China, Europe and the US planned after its launch. Hit the jump for a video of the wall in action. (more…)