Not every kid can swim like Michael Phelps, though every kid ought to. Parents, we understand. Sometimes you just don’t feel like sitting around watching the kids splash the water from the safety of dry land. After all, if they aren’t winning Olympic gold, what’s the point? That’s exactly why you bought the Safety Turtle Wireless Pool Security System for $167, effectively putting a price tag on your child’s life. Now you don’t have to worry about your kids drowning in a pool just because you were too busy doing the latest New York Times crossword puzzle.

It’s easy to use, too. Just plug the base station in and it will work in all directions up to 200 feet away. If the turtle sensor is submerged, the base station let’s out a wail that painfully reminds you of what a negligent parent you are. The creators of the Safety Turtle are not liable for any loss of life due to your lack of practice with CPR.

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Good job, kid. I thought I was the master at winning at those claw machines/crane machines you see in the arcade. That was, until I saw you crawling into the goddamned machine in the above video. You sneaky shit. You think you can just climb in there and take all the XXL New York Mets t-shirts you want? Not on my watch. I demand you put those stuffed animals back and wait until security arrives. You’ve disrupted the inner balance of the almighty crane machine. Bastard from a basket.

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As far as humiliating shots on Google Street View go, this is surprisingly not the first taste of public humiliation that the Google Maps service has graced upon us. First, we saw the results of a car crashing into a pole, and now, we all get to point and laugh at this kid who happened to fall off his bike as the photos were being shot for the street view.

Is the kid hurt? Probably not anything physically permanent, but the humiliation of his fall might stay with him for a much longer period of time. We’d like to call this, “Google Street View FAIL!”, an ode to those who have been caught in the act of foolishness. — Andrew Dobrow

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If you’ve ever taken a glance at products released for infants, you’ll see that many include the title “baby’s first…” Kid Kustoms can only be explained as Baby’s First Hot Rod. Donning some of the particulars that make speed demons wet their pants, the Kid Kustoms’ strollers lets you pimp out your kid’s carriage.

Including over-wheel fenders, pearlescent paint jobs, monocoque chassis, and a wide assortment of add-ons and blingage to secure your kid’s place as the first one on the block to own a hot rod. You can customize your kids stroller for prices ranging from $2,000 t0 $3,500, depending on how lux you’re willing to go. (more…)

This is perhaps the first trashed N95 we’ve seen. Some rich dude proudly claimed that he trashed his uber expensive Nokia N95 after breaking up with his girlfriend, other precipitating factors include:

1. the GPS failed to locate him

2. the GPRS got disconnected all the time

3. he’s too angry with Nokia for over-pricing the phone

4. he’s RICH, b****!

–Sam Chan

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Softbank announced the Toshiba 812T Kotomobile (Kid’s phone) this morning. First off it runs on WCDMA network, has a pretty good 3.2MP camera, a music player that supports microSD cards up to 1GB, and there’re also comic characters for wallpaper and screensavers. The part that is the most easy to spot would be the ring attached to the phone. When ever you are in danger (for example seeing a scary kindergarten teacher), pull that ring and the super loud buzzer will be activated, a video-call will be automatically dialed to your parents and your location information (GPS) will also be sent. Parents can even trace your kids on the computer whenever they want. The 812T will be out in February. — Sam Chan

Softbank