Not every kid can swim like Michael Phelps, though every kid ought to. Parents, we understand. Sometimes you just don’t feel like sitting around watching the kids splash the water from the safety of dry land. After all, if they aren’t winning Olympic gold, what’s the point? That’s exactly why you bought the Safety Turtle Wireless Pool Security System for $167, effectively putting a price tag on your child’s life. Now you don’t have to worry about your kids drowning in a pool just because you were too busy doing the latest New York Times crossword puzzle.

It’s easy to use, too. Just plug the base station in and it will work in all directions up to 200 feet away. If the turtle sensor is submerged, the base station let’s out a wail that painfully reminds you of what a negligent parent you are. The creators of the Safety Turtle are not liable for any loss of life due to your lack of practice with CPR.

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When I was a baby, as my family traveled the harsh path of the Oregon Trail, contracting dysentery and having our wagon wheels crack on a normal basis, we could hardly afford a booster seat to keep me high enough to reach our dinner of venison. We had to use the Yellow Pages to boost my booty. I remember the paper cuts like it was yesterday.

This plastic Yellow Pages-themed booster seat offers the same asteic as the ghetto booster seat of yore, for those who have the bullion to upgrade. The Yellow Pages Booster is form fitting to the babies rump, lightweight, and washable, so no more fear of leaving a stain or two. Get yours for $19.99. — Andrew Dobrow

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