I’ve got a bone to pick with you fuckers at Fingertongs. Why aren’t you running a more aggressive advertising campaign? I could have really used a pair during the Summer of 2006 when I burnt my left hand grabbing a hamburger off the grill. Sure, I was seven beers deep but how is that my fault? I needed your gloves that can take up to 500°F and reduce splatter. Oooh! That’s right! I spent all my money on beer, so can you hook it up? No? But I don’t have the $18 you require for this “purchase” you speak of. Fuck it. I’m just going to go grab a hot dog off the grill.

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Let me tell you something, you silly goose. Grilling isn’t a way of cooking, it’s a way of survival. As in, if I don’t eat a fucking burger in the next 45 minutes, I’m going to die of starvation. At least I think so. Either way, you need the Longhorn Steer Grill. It’s not just a grill, it’s a grill shaped like a steer/bull. Think of the possibilities: parties, bar mitzvahs and so much more. You can even put a cowboy hat on the cow and everyone will laugh at your carefully crafted joke. Yeah, you’re that good.

Made by Traeger Grills, the Longhorn Steer Grill isn’t for the grilling novice who can’t appreciate the taste of Lea & Perrins. A grill that goes for $1700 demands the utmost respect and patience. In time, you’ll find that with the right amount of beef and concentration, your stomach can swell to over six hundred times its regular size. At least that’s what my uncle told me.

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Now this is a basting brush I would use on the grill. It’s called the Strange Ways Basting Brush and costs $15. What’s so special about it? You can bend it to any angle you see fit so you can reach “difficult” places on your turkey/ham/child in the oven. It’s made of silicone, so it won’t catch fire and burn the fuck out of your hand when you’re using it. Seems like a sure bet.

Plus it looks like you could use it on your girlfriend too.

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You can never be too prepared. While you’re roasting a sausage or two on the grill, you never know when your arch nemesis will pop up out of the woods and attack with swords ablazin’. The BBQ Fencing Sword and Mask not only allows you to look the roll of a vigilante, but will surely scare off any evil forces when they see how rough you treat your burgers.

Do you think Zorro would drop his character just because his wife and children were whining about BBQ ribs? You bet your ass he didn’t! And even if he did, he’d be sure to be seen in the tabloids the next day, totally ruining his bad-ass reputation. Ditch the “Kiss the Chef” apron, you girly man, and start challenging random slices of meat to duels. It’s the only way.

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Spring and summer are just around the corner, and that means whipping out the old grill for some Fourth of July barbecue. Mmm…ribs. The temperature can get pretty steamy in these seasons, but not nearly as hot as when you are cooking over the grill. Some people hate the heat so much they resort to cooking their burgers in less orthodox ways. The BBQ Fan and Light make sure you have a constant stream of fresh air headed your way.

We can deal with minor retina burns and smoke flowing into our tear ducts, making us look like blubbering fools, but what we cannot deal with is our perfectly manicured hair becoming greasy with sweat. After hours of placing every strand in its right place, there is just no need to ruin it for the sake of delicious meats. Well, maybe for meats, but definitely not so other people can enjoy those meats! Get yours for $45. (more…)

With and without CleanBBQ

Do you think anyone wants to eat off of your grill if there’s blackened beef parts etched onto the grilling surface? Hell no. CleanBBQ offers aluminum grill linings which provide a clean surface every time you fire up the grill for some meat charring.

Aside from the fact that it will look a whole hell of a lot better, you don’t have to worry about cleaning the grill anymore. Just replace the liner and you’re good to go on to your next BBQ adventure. — Andrew Dobrow

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