Gearfuse

I need some sort of carb with every meal, which probably explains why I’m overweight. If I’m eating meat, you best believe it’s going to be wrapped between two hunks of bread. But here’s my dilemma. Some people don’t understand my need for carb goodness. Some of my friends are so gung-ho about carbs that they don’t even own any bread products. That’s just not working for me.

That’s why whenever I go to my carb-hating friend’s place I know need to slip on my Bread Slippers. No offerings of sweet, beautiful carbs? Just rip a hunk off of your footwear. Mmm, mmm, filling.

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OM NOM NOM! I’ll rock these in my Cheeseburger Bed and call it dinner.

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You might be hesitant to cover your car with witty bumper stickers. Whether you don’t want to ruin your car’s cosmetics or don’t want to wreck the warranty, you just haven’t gotten to the point where you’re comfortable applying stickers to your car’s body. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a witty retort when your on the move.

These awesome micro-bumper stickers fit right on the heel of your shoes, offering shoe-likened mottoes, similar to their automobile counterparts.

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Even if you have disgustingly dirty and calloused feet, there’s no reason why you can’t show off your fabulous bone structure. These Skeletal Shoes are for the most hardcore of foot fetishists among us.

Available on Etsy, you can pick up a pair for pretty much Wal-Mart prices. Only $40 a pop. The catch is that they’re only available in male size 8 1/2.  Don’t think I could fit my size 12 into these.

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Have you ever seen such a unique article of footwear? I sure as hell haven’t.

These are called FiveFingers. They’re shoes produced by a company called Vibram. You can get them in four different styles, with some more equipped for hiking and others for water sports. Multiple color choices are available, so if you don’t dig the tye-dye job above, you can go with black or something more reserved. It’s said to feel as if you’re running barefoot and exercising every muscle in your feet. And I bet you’re thinking they cost around the $200 mark, right? Nah. FiveFingers range from $75-$100, making them quite affordable if you’re in the market for a new pair of shoes. I’d like to try a pair on before buying them but hell, I’m tempted to get a pair regardless.

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Gearfuse reader Kenneth Macy sent in his website where he creates unique designs that fit on your feet. It’s called Ashi Dashi and as you can see from some of the examples above, Kenneth is quite the creative guy. I love the socks that make your feet look like a couple of cigarettes and the pencil design is pretty cool as well. You should check out Kenneth’s socks, because combined with that remote-control light dimmer, the ladies will always be begging for more.

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“Son, we’re going to the 7-11 for dinner. Put your shoes on.”

“But father! I’ve lost my sneakers whilst playing in the woods this morning!”

“You little shit. Those shoes cost me $17 from Walmart. Are you trying to embarrass me?”

“No!”

“Well I’m hungry as shit. Here. In the mean time, put these Wiimote covers on your feet.”

“I’m gonna become Mario! Wait till I find Peach in the forest and we find Yos-”

“Shut up already and put the goddamned plastic on your feet, OK kid?”

“Yes, father.”

“Good. Now C’mon. I’ve got a spicy bean burrito with my name on it that needs to be rescued.”

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Know what a Benjamin Franklin buys you nowadays? Some incredibly warm rechargeable heated insoles for your shoes and boots. That’s right. You charge up the soles and let a Li-On battery and a PCB do the rest. Really! That’s all. They’ll keep your feet toasty at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit for up to eight hours. Work in the cold? This is exactly what you need. Too bad they don’t make a version you can shove down your pants for TGW (Total Genital Warmth).

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I have no idea why these are called “Socks Anatomy” instead of “Anatomy Socks” but hey, to each his or her own. These are some badass socks though. Designed by Anton Repponen, they resemble bone and muscle tissue from inside your body and should give off a pleasing aesthetic look when you try a pair on. Perfect for Halloween or just freaking people the fuck out.

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I have to admit, those non-slip shower mats can be handy when I’m hungover and can’t be bothered with controlling my limbs during a shower. Unfortunately, most are dull and unexpressive, usually featuring colors such as “Calamine Lotion Brown” and “Seagull White.” The Sole Mat is crystal clear and features shoe-prints all over the place, upping your bathroom’s credibility as a hipster coke den.

At $15, it’s about the same price as most of the crap you’d find at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Might as well pick one up and impress your mother with your new found decorating skills.

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