Gearfuse

It would be nice to never have to age into a decrepit sack of sagging flesh, but alas, that is the fate of every one of us. However, it doesn’t have to be. Science is always real reliable when it comes to doing the impossible and what’s more impossible than prolonging death? Scientists recently working with a potential longevity-enhancing drug have had great success while testing it on mice. Having passed its final animal testing challenge, we’re ready to start testing this on humans, Tuck Everlasting-style!

The mice whom had been given the new drug dieted on fatty foods for four months without gaining weight or developing diabetes. They also ran twice as far on a treadmill as their drug-free brethren. Talk about progress. Those mice might live long healthy lives, but there isn’t anything preventing them from getting caught in a Victor.

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I’m always rambling on about a Rock N’ Roll Pizzeria but that doesn’t have shit on a vending machine that will serve you piping-hot fresh pizza. Did I say fresh? OK so that was a total lie but it’s still portable pizza. Unfortunately, the pizza is Tombstone brand which usually tends to fail my personal taste test. And by taste test I mean scarfing down food when I’m drunk.

What city could possibly have a deep-dish pizza vending machine? Houston, Texas, baby. Those fat fucks down there probably hit up that shit up for breakfast lunch and dinner. BARF!

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Are you an overwhelming fat ass that just can’t shred those pounds because going to the gym is another chore on your list of things you won’t do?  Well, your prayers have been answered! The Vibro Shape slimming belt is said to rid you of your beer-belly in favor of some sexy washboard abs. The belt can also be used on the shoulders, hips, and thighs for a full body workout and a safe auto timer will turn the unit off after 15 minutes to prevent the heat from burning more than just your fat.

A $26 belt that “melts” your fat away with vibration and heat is every couch potato’s dream. Nerds will certainly be in dire need of one of these when Wrath of the Lich King hits store shelves. It’s a damn shame vibrating weight-loss equipment like these never work, otherwise they’d have a heftier price tag.

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