Not every kid can swim like Michael Phelps, though every kid ought to. Parents, we understand. Sometimes you just don’t feel like sitting around watching the kids splash the water from the safety of dry land. After all, if they aren’t winning Olympic gold, what’s the point? That’s exactly why you bought the Safety Turtle Wireless Pool Security System for $167, effectively putting a price tag on your child’s life. Now you don’t have to worry about your kids drowning in a pool just because you were too busy doing the latest New York Times crossword puzzle.

It’s easy to use, too. Just plug the base station in and it will work in all directions up to 200 feet away. If the turtle sensor is submerged, the base station let’s out a wail that painfully reminds you of what a negligent parent you are. The creators of the Safety Turtle are not liable for any loss of life due to your lack of practice with CPR.

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I love dogs as much as any man would but I’m very happy not having to pick up shit with a newspaper bag every day. However, if you do own a pooch and like to walk him/her in style, then may I suggest picking up some of these fancy poo bags from JungeSchactel? They’re 100-percent biodegradable, don’t clog up landfills and have funny little things written on each bag. I tend to be partial to “Shit happens.” and “Doggy style.”
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We love us some papercraft here at Gearfuse. Whether it’s a delicious steak or a synthesizer, we’ll gladly break out the scissors and scotch tape for any occasion. This papercraft dog looks relatively easy to fold out and put together. It’s only three pieces, so this is a great place to start if you’re new to the craft.

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Hope is a dog born without front legs. A dog barely mobile. Gentlemen, we can rebuild her. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic puppy. Hope will be that puppy. Better than she was before. Better, stronger, faster.

This two-legged Maltese puppy gets around by using a specially-designed device using wheels from a model airplane. From birth, she was able to get around hardwood floors with ease by pushing off her back legs. However, doctors said that her natural mode of moving eventually would damage her bones and spine. This led them to creating The Six Million Dollar Dog.

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Toys sure have evolved over the years. It went from the basic teddy bear, to Creepy Crawlers (remember those fuckers?), to Mighty Max to the dog that vomits slime. Come August, toy company Mega House, a subsidiary of Bandai, will ship “Biri Biri Kaze Hiki Wanko” or “Shocking Sick Puppy”, a Japanese toy guaranteed to disgust many parents out there.

It plays like the classic game, Operation. Reach into the pooch’s mouth and grab the germs. Touch the slime and your ass gets shocked back into the Stone Age. Collect the most germs, you win. A simple, yet, disgustingly awesome game.

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This pixelated dog actually serves as an advertisement for Leica cameras. Since I can’t read a ton of Spanish, I’ll leave it up to your imagination to figure out how this dog came about. I love how in the one photo, the real dog is trying to see what’s up with the pixelated paper pooch.

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WowWee, the company responsible for creating the “desktop companions”, ChatterBots, has just released its latest model. What special new features does the latest model possess, you ask? Absolutely nothing! It’s a desktop companion, so what did you expect!? For fifty bucks, this atrocious piece of shit will sit on your desk, taking up space you don’t have and occupying a valuable USB port. And for what? To make smart-ass comments now and then. If I wanted a blithering fool yelling in my ear while I’m on my computer, I’d certainly be able to find one for free, let alone fifty dollars.

ChatterBots come in three flavors: Angry dog sitting on a cat in a litter box, fat couch-potato fairy man, and perhaps the most cliche: a blue devil with wings (an angel-devil, mind you.) Grab yours today before they sell out!

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If you’ve been looking for that special something to pick up for Mom on Mothers Day, we present the chance to incorporate their love for canines, 3D wiring projects, and gardening. The Dog Breed Topiary frames from the Gardeners’ Supply Store allows you to purchase a three dimensional model of the breed of your choice to fill with sphagnum moss and ivy for your own little garden fanaticism.

The frames don’t contain anuses, so there is no need to worry about the topiaries taking a shit on your prize winning lawn. Best of all, the $60 frames almost look better without all of that gardening shit inside of them. So you can just use it as a creepy lawn ornament.

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I love dogs just as much as the next guy. Maybe even more so. But this is just getting a tad bit ridiculous. The Doggy Dream Homes provide your pup with comparatively more space than you probably have in your own home.

The Dream Homes are made using the same materials used to construct your home (and superior materials if you happen to live in a cardboard box like myself.) Complete with add-on features such as an outdoor hot tub and satellite or cable television, your dog will be living the high life. It’s to the point where you’d rather live in the dog house. That’s what we’re talking here. (more…)

Dogs aren’t called “man’s best friend” for no reason. Most pet owners would put their own life and limb at risk to keep their pet safe. The feeling that your dog is lost somewhere in the wild is one of the scariest thoughts a pet owner can experience. Retrieva is a system which keeps tabs on your dog with a GPS-enabled collar.

The sat-nav collars allows users to sign into a website to pinpoint the location of their dog, whenever the loved pet goes missing. Retrieva uses three different tracking waves; satellite, telecom and radio transmitters. So if you’re out walking your dog and you get pugged, a special panic button notifies your friend that you might be dead. But any good dog that isn’t a little puss should protect you from that in the first place. — Andrew Dobrow

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