Calling all celebrities and women from Long Island!

Need a new fashion accessory to truly put you ahead of the curve? Try these diamond-encrusted earbuds that go great with your trippy iPod or Discman. Yes, Discman. Regardless of my absurd comments, a bunch of Swarovski crystals glued to some headphones will really show the other ladies who means cougar business. At $60,000 a pair, they damn well better morph into a Mercedes Benz or something equally amazing. But alas, you’ll find yourself cold, lonely and feeling very rich. All while listening to Phil Collins.

“Throwing it all awaaaaayyyyyy”

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A new technology has emerged that’s bound to change the way we view trashy women forever. Designed for only the most aristocratic tramps around, the Swarovski contact lens is the most absurd invention of the 21st Century. Imagine a pair of contact lenses with tacky Swarovski crystals embedded in them. Seems like an invention right out of Long Island, right?

Wrong! These were actually designed by a woman in India and have been christened with the name of “Sparkle.”

And to think this shit won second place in some contest. What took first place? The Swarovski-studded lower-back tattoo?

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Physicists at the University of Sydney in Australia have created an optical chip that has the potential make the internet up to 100 times faster. These “chalcogenide glass photonic chips” can operate at data rates of almost 640 GB/s, meaning they’ll allow users to transmit the equivalent of seventeen whole DVD’s each second. Wow. Imagine what the bootleggers will be able to do with the new crystal chips.

Chalcogenide glass photonic chips are cheap to produce since they can be made from plain glass crystals. The chips increase internet speed by preventing networks from being bogged down by old fashioned electronic components when transmitting information at the speed of light. Scientists say this technology could be commercially available in as early as five years. Get ready for blazing fast downloads and supercomputers that will blow your mind.

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Demos 2007, a tech convention not as well known as MacWorld or CES, though still worth its weight in coolness, is the site where the Zink has unleashed. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, ZINK technology starts where Polaroids left off. ZINK is a handheld printing device capable of printing digital photos without the use of ink or laser.

How does this creation work? Hundreds of patents are either pending or approved for the ZINK technology. Special embedded dye crystals in the paper are activated through heat made by the ZINK printer. Depending on the heat of each crystal, the picture produced is decent quality digital prints that are supposedly long lasting.

The ZINK is still in its developmental stages, so hard specs or previews aren’t obtainable yet. The portable printer should eventually be a really cool gadget to have around for small prints on the go. Good quality would be our worry for the ZINK. How good of a picture would these prints be? Thank God there wasn’t something like this when our parents were young. Imagine the family memories we would have to reminisce about for years to come. — Andrew Dobrow

Press Release [via Gadgetizer]