Gearfuse

Let’s not kid ourselves. There are probably a handful of people in the U.S. with a cock the size of a small child (no not the cock of a small child, a cock the size of a small child) and you’re not one of them. Unless your planning on wearing this thing every single day, I don’t know how much good it’s going to do. But I guess by the time your date is ripping off your pants to see your little surprise, it’s a little too late.

The Trouser Expander includes some pump-action for altering your bulge size on the go. You don’t get that awkward lumpiness like you do with socks. The ladies just love a squirrel sized dong.

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People need to measure stuff. There’s no denying that. And to the best of my knowledge, doctors still aren’t removing splinters out of your schlonger for free. So it is with a great relief that the old school wooden ruler has finally wizened up and gotten itself a digital display.

Push down on the edge of the device  to mark where you want to measure and the ruler’s circuitry does the rest.

I hear that rulers are also useful for purposes other than measuring your junk.  I remain a skeptic.

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I’ve always wanted my face printed right on the end of my rubber love glove. Unfortunately, I’ll have to wait until that dream becomes reality. On the other hand, getting a hold of custom FDA approved, lubricated condoms with my face printed on the wrapper is a possible alternative.

“MyFace Condoms” allow you to include your name, picture, a special message or anything else you choose right on the wrapper of your very own cock sock. When you pull it out of your wallet in front of your soon-to-be-banged one night stand, she’ll know you mean business. You never looked much like the Trojan guy, anyway. You can get a pack for yourself at $31.25 for a 25 pack. Remember kids, always bag it up.

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Do you have a small penis? Have you tried every pill known to man that claims to increase male enhancement? Do penis enlargement pumps hurt your manhood? Then you desperately need the PEP (Penis Enlargement Pants). OK, so it’s more like underwear.

No matter, because it still claims to increase the size of your genitalia by stretching your wang while you work, play or just lounge around the house. For $110 well spent on underwear that’ll have the ladies gasping at your overly-stretched and deformed schlong, how could you afford not to buy it?

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When you’re drunk, you’re bound to make a fool out of yourself. You’re also probably bound to piss a lot that night so why not make the most of it? Slap one of these fire hose thongs on and let ‘er flow. Got a wife who’s into really freaky shit? Dress up like a fireman and then shower her with piss. What a fantastic idea.

At $8.99, you don’t have to be Alec Baldwin to afford a fire hose that resides on your cock. Plunk down the cash, invite George Michael over and piss up a storm, baby.

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Perhaps the greatest use of a remote controlled device in history: a flying penis flew into the middle of a speech from former chess master and Russian political activist, Garry Kasparov. It seems someone took the time to turn an RC helicopter into a flying cock.

After the security guard swatted it to the ground, Kasparov says, “I think we have to be thankful for the opposition’s demonstration of the level of discourse we need to anticipate. Also, apparently most of their arguments are located beneath the belt.” Someone in the audience shouts, “Finally the political power shows its face!” Kasparov quickly replies, “Well, if that’s its face…” to laughter from the audience.

A large flying penis that took nearly 20 seconds before someone decided to swat it out of the air. I’m pretty sure the last thing you’re going to want to do after seeing a flying penis is touch it. Hit the jump for video of the junk in action.

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Normally, when new USB drive hits the market, it’s not cause for concern in the slightest. But I have a feeling that this particular one-gigabyte drive will not only turn heads like that $300,000 watch you wish you owned, but will also encourage females to hop on your genitalia and ride you like a ferris wheel.

Now look at that box. What would you guess is inside? Take a guess.

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