Gearfuse

What are babies known for? Mainly pooping and screaming. That’s just the nature of the early human life. And who can blame them? The only problem is that the screaming is almost impossible to decipher through the human year. To us, it’s all just screaming. But apparently there are at least five different types of cries and the Cry Translator iPhone app claims it can distinguish between them all.

The Cry Translator helps decode the mysterious yiping of your newborn, dividing the scream’s cause into one of five basic categories: hungry, sleepy, annoyed, stressed, bored. It might be hard to believe, but the app claims it can “reduce overall infant crying.” And for $9.99, that’s a little piece of heaven for new parents.

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Only available in kids’ sizes. WHYYYYYYY?!

This awesome hoodie transforms your elbows into fantastical dinosaur jaws, ready to om nom your parents or teacher. This would also make a killer tattoo idea.

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Cruel parents need look no further for interior design ideas. The Boogie Man Rug is sure to force your child into fearing for their life every night, potentially making a dash into your bed. Hey man, hilarious evilness has its consequences.

For even more effect, include a speaker looping creepy Halloween noises under the bed.

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“Medical Oddities, Natural Anamolies and Carnival Gaffs: A Pop-Up Book for Children” probably would have scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. At my current age, this seems like one hell of a cruel joke to play on any unsuspecting child, but would be an awesome addition to my own personal library.

Flickr user Crowolf shows off this awesome anatomical pop-up book from the personal collection of inventor Neville Colmore. I’m jealous! Perfect coffee table fodder.

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Parents with younger children, listen up.

This is a chalkboard fridge. By that, I mean that with a little time and money, you can turn the entire facade of your refrigerator into a damn chalkboard. This will keep your kids entertained for hours on end and will most likely keep them from drawing all over the walls. Essentially, you just sand down the front and paint it with that nifty chalkboard paint they sell at The Home Depot. But don’t follow my instructions; hit the link for the full details on this mod.

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If only my father was half as cool as this guy. Pretty much every single day this father creates a new piece of art on his kids lunch bags. He uses his lunch break to craft these awesome drawings. Sometimes they are known characters, but most of the time the art is inspired by obscure cartoons or YouTube videos. He than takes a photo of the art and posts it on his Lunch Bag Art Tumblr blog.

Lucky friggen’ kids. Even in my 20s I wouldn’t mind having someone draw me some awesome lunch bag art, especially if they all had such awesome subjects as “Robot Dinosaurs That Shoot Beams When They Roar.” You just have to make sure no one tries to steal your food. After the jump you’ll find a few more of his more recent works.

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Look! Two children! With Palm Pres! And look! A creepy guy with a digital camera in San Francisco who loves to stand behind kids and take pictures of them. Where are your parents, children? Let me touch your Pre. I’ve always wanted to touch a Pre. You’re about to get schooled! I love Pre-schoolers. Get it? Get it? OK, the cops are coming. I have to go, children.

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There’s a new report out now from Mid-Missouri Internet Crimes Task Force and you need to take this seriously, folks. Turns out, if you have a Nintendo Wii, your child risks being molested. I’m not joking! The game Animal Crossing: City Folk for the Wii is the new AOL chatroom of yesteryear. Don’t take my word for it, take Andy Anderson’s word for it:

“There is no reason an adult should have this game,” says Andy Anderson, Mid-Missouri Internet Crimes Task Force.

Straight from the horse’s mouth. If you read this and your children get molested, it’s not my fault – it’s Nintendo’s.

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While you’re sure to get some strange looks from both sneering fashionistas and mildly frightened parents, you can’t help but enjoy the honesty of this t-shirt. You might not get a confidence boost from acknowledging the fact that you have more toys than a 12-year-old Japanese school girl, but anything else would simply be a lie.

If us geeks are known for anything, it’s our complete and utter honesty when it comes to our geekery.

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The next time your child complains about taking a bath, shove some candy and Water Flutes in their face and they’ll love you forever. For real this time.

Water Flutes are just what they sound like. You fill the plastic tubes up with water whilst in the bathtub. Then, you read the included sheet music and learn how to play “Hot Cross Buns” while cleaning your ass crack. They may be designed with children in mind, but there’s no rule against getting high and wailing out naked with some flutes in the shower. C’mon now! Unleash your inner-Palin! After all, that’s how Louis Armstrong got so good.

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