El Jobso was spotted outside of 1 Infinite Loop recently and it looks like he’s gained some of those pre-surgery curves back. Am I the only one who feels the strong compulsion to furiously roll large balls at the Apple CEO?
I’m glad to see he’s got his appetite back though. His waif-ish figure was starting to scare me there for a while.
Apple officially announced today that Steve Jobs has returned to Apple as its CEO. As you probably know, Jobs has been out of commission since January due to poor health. Most people speculated his cancer had returned but Jobs dismissed that as a mere rumor, stating that he had some kind of “hormonal imbalance.”
I’m glad Jobs is back. Now I won’t have to deal with certain sites looking like this.
The entire tech world is a flutter with news that Steve Jobs has returned to Apple. As promised, Jobs said he would be back in June and rumor has it that he’s not back 100%, but rather, is helping interim CEO Tim Cook out and telecommuting through email according to a USA Today report. This is fantastic news not just for Apple fans, but for stockholders as well. It ensures their prized asset is still doing just fine and can continue to create products that are a smash hit. Because let’s face it, without Steve Jobs, Apple is only half the man it used to be.
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Can you believe it? Microsoft, the fuckers who have made Windows forever and never make shit open-source are now calling for Apple to be more “open”. Says Steve Ballmer, douche supreme, says ‘”I agree that no single company can create all the hardware and software. Openness is central because it’s the foundation of choice.”‘
Bahahahahahahaa. Sorry, sorry. I’ll try to maintain composure. It’s important that we al-hahahahaahaha oh man Microsoft is a fucking trip. When will they learn? Never. That’s when.
The AP is reporting that Liberty Media, who had previously expressed interest in Sirius-XM, has signed a deal where it’ll invest $350 million in the failing satellite radio company. This comes right in the nick of time; Sirius had $175 million in bond payments due today, which would have no doubt sent the company into Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Instead, Liberty Media is going to get 12.5 million shares of convertible preferred stock, worth about 40 percent of the company’s common stock. Additionally, two seats on the board will go to Liberty Media, giving it quite a bit of control over the company.
As for current CEO Mel Karmazin, it’s only a matter of time before he’s outta there. Since the merger between Sirius and XM, Karmazin has failed to have the company turn a profit, leading to a lack of investor confidence and a couple close scares. Let’s hope that Liberty Media can stop Sirius-XM from bleeding cash; especially from that $500 million Howard Stern deal. Shareholders, you can breathe a little easier today.
Hear that flood? That’s the sound of Apple shareholders and investors selling off their stake in the company as quickly as humanly possible. Why? CEO Steve Jobs just took a temporarily leave of absence from Apple. Here’s his note to Apple employees:
Team,
I am sure all of you saw my letter last week sharing something very personal with the Apple community. Unfortunately, the curiosity over my personal health continues to be a distraction not only for me and my family, but everyone else at Apple as well. In addition, during the past week I have learned that my health-related issues are more complex than I originally thought.
In order to take myself out of the limelight and focus on my health, and to allow everyone at Apple to focus on delivering extraordinary products, I have decided to take a medical leave of absence until the end of June.I have asked Tim Cook to be responsible for Apple’s day to day operations, and I know he and the rest of the executive management team will do a great job. As CEO, I plan to remain involved in major strategic decisions while I am out. Our board of directors fully supports this plan.
I look forward to seeing all of you this summer.
Steve
Now this is what we call epic shit in the tech industry.
Not that it mattered, but Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has gone on the record stating that the company has no plans to build a phone Zune or otherwise. Instead, Microsoft is going to focus on it’s Windows Mobile platform which makes perfect sense. He also mentioned that the Zune software will be ported to other devices, including Windows. Does anyone care? Most likely not. Move along, folks. There’s other news to be had.
After pissing off investors, causing Apple stock to fall and acting shadier than Mickey Rourke after posting bail, Steve Jobs has finally spoken on the issue of his personal health. He claims he is fine and doesn’t have cancer and that everyone should mind they’re fucking business, essentially. This lets everyone breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that Apple’s famous CEO is doing fine.
That said, now everyone is going to be screaming about the “Mac Tablet.” Ugh.
The Fourth of July has passed and now we’re stuck on a Monday with a big week ahead of us. However, nobody’s week will compare to that of Jerry Yang’s. Jerry is CEO and co-Founder of Yahoo!, a dying Internet company you probably use daily. Today, money-maker and powerhouse Carl Icahn issues a letter to Yahoo! shareholders telling them that the current board at Yahoo! must be ousted, including Yang. Why’s this? Icahn and Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer have been chatting about Yahoo! recently. Check out choice quotes from Icahn’s letter:
Much has been said about how badly the Yahoo! board has “botched up” negotiations with Microsoft over the past months. There is no need to keep pointing out the mistakes I believe Yahoo! made by not immediately taking a $33 offer made by Microsoft. But one thing is clear — Jerry Yang and the current board of Yahoo! will not be able to “botch up” a negotiation with Microsoft again, simply because they will not have the opportunity.
– If elected, I have little doubt that the new board, subject to its fiduciary duties, will do what the current board will not do, i.e.,
– Immediately start negotiation with Microsoft to sell the whole company or, in the alternative, sell “Search” with large guarantees.
– Move expeditiously to replace Jerry Yang with a new CEO with operating
experience.
Things are not looking good for Yahoo! or Yang. I give it six months before Microsoft is finished purchasing the company and replacing Yang with Icahn. Thoughts?
