Those of you trying to get an edge over Lance Armstrong should look no further. Delta 7 Sports’ new Ascend road bike is quite the work of art. Using intertwined carbon fiber that resembles that of a wicker basket, the Ascend is one of the lightest bikes if not the lightest road bike on the planet. The frame weighs a mere 1.8 pounds, giving you an unprecedented advantage in any race. Winning a race doesn’t come cheap, though. Be prepared to drain your wallet of $12,000 for the Ascend.
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I want to know if you’re ready to get EXTREME. That’s right, son. We’re knocking back beers all night and getting coked out of our minds so that when we open this overdue electric bill, it’s intense. But we’re not going to open it with a few chubby fingers and dirty fingernails. No, that would be sacrilegious to an extent.

So forget fingers and let’s take this party to the MAXXX. I have the power of OPENING and the power of CARBON FIBER thanks to Purisme’s latest letter opener. It’s so lightweight, it feels like the sheer power of the alcohol on your breath is slicing deep into the paper. Just don’t go waving it near anyone’s eye or you’re going to end up looking like the Joker.

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