Gearfuse

The Coppertone girl would have been in some serious trouble if instead of a cute little black doggy, there was a very hungry shark targeting his teeth for her buttocks.

The Shark! Bean Bag Chair illustrates what it might have looked like had the Coppertone girl been in the ocean, rather than on the beach. There’s nothing more comfortable than two rows of razor sharp teeth digging into your body. Take a seat and relax, please. Good thing sharks are just mythological creatures like mermaids, unicorns and Jesus.

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Here is a simple step-by-step DIY project to keep me aroused and simultaneously tan a heart shape on to your ass cheek.

1.) Wear this Bikini Mark swimsuit on a sunny day at the beach.

2.) Bring the inflatable beer pong table

3.) Have a body just like this swimsuit model

Congratulations, I’m aroused and you are tanning like a true body artist!

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Your office’s photocopier isn’t really official until someone has photocopied their ass. Whether it be intentional or through some horrible accident I can’t even begin to comprehend, photocopying of the ass cheeks is a tradition wherever photocopiers are found.

The iBum chair takes the ass copier out of the office and into your home. Whenever someone sits down in the chair, the iBum automatically photocopies the sitter’s ass cheeks. They should add some sort of cooling feature to reduce the photographic proof of swamp ass. Check out a video demo after the jump.

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Take a look at the image above. Is it a photograph or is it a painting?

It’s actually an oil painting influenced by the aesthetic of black and white photography created by Adam Stennett. I’ve got no idea how he makes these images look so life-like, especially the water running down this lady’s crack. Hubba hubba. All I know is: I like.

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Owning a coffee table like this particular model is most likely going to freak out any ladies whom you’ve invited over for dinner.  It’s got women’s undies pinned in between two pieces of glass, clamped together like a chasity belt. Additionally, the clamps also work as the table’s legs. Your friends will think you made it yourself and obtained the garments either during a Sorority panty raid or a collection of leftovers from your ex-girlfriends.

It doesn’t matter how you got the panties; the only thing that matters is that it isn’t a coffee table modeled after a Nintendo controller.  If it was, the panties wouldn’t be in your apartment in the first place.

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I’m all for the bidet sometimes but nothing beats a good ol’ wipe of the ass with toilet paper. Plus, you can check and ensure you wiped properly and completely. With Kohler’s C3 toilet seat, you need not worry about running out of TP anymore. The seat includes a remote-controlled bidet that allows you to clean your ass out without having to move in the slightest. You’d expect a NASA-esque price to accompany such a stunning piece of technology. Luckily, the C3 will only set you back $950.

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A recently revealed patent shows an idea for a very, hmm, how to say this politely… a very “interesting” and “unique” device. The patent describes a product titled “User-Operated Amusement Apparatus for Kicking the User’s Buttocks.” Notice the word, “amusement”.

You operate the device by pushing a row apparatus that resembles the operation of a coal mining cart, while a windmill style set of feet repeatedly kicks your ass. What the fuck? — Andrew Dobrow

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