Let me tell you something, you silly goose. Grilling isn’t a way of cooking, it’s a way of survival. As in, if I don’t eat a fucking burger in the next 45 minutes, I’m going to die of starvation. At least I think so. Either way, you need the Longhorn Steer Grill. It’s not just a grill, it’s a grill shaped like a steer/bull. Think of the possibilities: parties, bar mitzvahs and so much more. You can even put a cowboy hat on the cow and everyone will laugh at your carefully crafted joke. Yeah, you’re that good.

Made by Traeger Grills, the Longhorn Steer Grill isn’t for the grilling novice who can’t appreciate the taste of Lea & Perrins. A grill that goes for $1700 demands the utmost respect and patience. In time, you’ll find that with the right amount of beef and concentration, your stomach can swell to over six hundred times its regular size. At least that’s what my uncle told me.

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Now this is a basting brush I would use on the grill. It’s called the Strange Ways Basting Brush and costs $15. What’s so special about it? You can bend it to any angle you see fit so you can reach “difficult” places on your turkey/ham/child in the oven. It’s made of silicone, so it won’t catch fire and burn the fuck out of your hand when you’re using it. Seems like a sure bet.

Plus it looks like you could use it on your girlfriend too.

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Now this isn’t your typical backpack, so don’t go filling up that trendy pontoon bag with charcoal and lighting it on fire. Lazzari has gotten it right with its new Baja BBQ Backpack. It’s a container made up of 100% recycled paper pulp and contains two pounds of charcoal.

In short, you grab your grill, throw the BBQ Backpack in there, light it on fire and in 20 minutes, you have a nice set of glowing coals to cook your meats and treats on. No price is available, but you should see these popping up in gourmet grocery stores (Whole Foods, Wegmans, Trader Joes) in the near future.

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You can never be too prepared. While you’re roasting a sausage or two on the grill, you never know when your arch nemesis will pop up out of the woods and attack with swords ablazin’. The BBQ Fencing Sword and Mask not only allows you to look the roll of a vigilante, but will surely scare off any evil forces when they see how rough you treat your burgers.

Do you think Zorro would drop his character just because his wife and children were whining about BBQ ribs? You bet your ass he didn’t! And even if he did, he’d be sure to be seen in the tabloids the next day, totally ruining his bad-ass reputation. Ditch the “Kiss the Chef” apron, you girly man, and start challenging random slices of meat to duels. It’s the only way.

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When the volume of a gas decreases at a maintained pressure, the temperature of the remaining gas falls. Such is the law the defines the concept behind the Jet Engine-powered Beer Cooler. Using a LPG cylinder and a jet engine to cool his favorite brew, the designer of the beer cooler is never without an icy cold one.

If you can get your hands on the beer pouring robot, you have the makings of a BBQ of epic proportions, and a side-note to the manliest of the bots. All we need now is a robot to properly later our ribs in sauce. — Andrew Dobrow

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With and without CleanBBQ

Do you think anyone wants to eat off of your grill if there’s blackened beef parts etched onto the grilling surface? Hell no. CleanBBQ offers aluminum grill linings which provide a clean surface every time you fire up the grill for some meat charring.

Aside from the fact that it will look a whole hell of a lot better, you don’t have to worry about cleaning the grill anymore. Just replace the liner and you’re good to go on to your next BBQ adventure. — Andrew Dobrow

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Don’t you feel bad for chefs? They don’t really have any cool work cases needed to bring to work with them. And have you seen those hats they wear? The Carry and Go BBQ is a grill with a handle. The grill can be toted around like a briefcase, and then folded out for a kill ‘em grill ‘em tool whenever it’s needed.

The portable BBQ bag comes with a shoulder strap and a carry bag for easy transportation and only costs around $34. It’s about time cooks had a briefcase equivalent. And now, I don’t have to worry about my damn charred meat craving. — Andrew Dobrow

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