Gearfuse

Alas, the folly of grill-masters worldwide, switching between tongs and your meat thermometer, not only wastes precious time, but potentially leaves the meat to over cook. These Digital BBQ Tongs, though not nearly as fun as digital BBQ thongs, will save you some time, eliminating the switch-off between the thermometer and the grabby tool.

A built-in alarm sounds when the meat is ready to be taken off the grill. A true BBQ chef needs the finest tools in the trade to ensure the perfectly cooked piece of beef has his name on it.

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If you like your burgers “still mooing,” but hate having to hear the damn thing whining as you chew, just threaten the beef with this Condiment Gun. The burger will shut up eventually.

Would any slab of meat want to mess with a man on the edge, holding a gun filled with his favorite condiment? I think not. Fill it with Dijon mustard for extra brownie points (you damn elitist).

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If only it were this easy. If only cattle ranchers could wait until the meat was properly seared before branding their name or symbol onto the animal’s hide.

Luckily, as the resident BBQ chef of the house, there’s no need to hurt a weak and powerless animal. Just a dead and cooked one. The BBQ Branding Iron allows you to brand a message of choice in to your meat, before you beat it.

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How do you like your sausage cooked? Do you mind if I place it in the A1-D1 region and just let it smoke to medium-rare goodness? Or do you like your meat to be black and charred? Don’t you worry, we’ll find the right equation to make sure the Spreadsheet Barbecue Grill cooks your meat exactly how you like it.

And you thought you’d be escaping the office completely during your weekend barbecue. No such luck, chef.

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I’ve got a bone to pick with you fuckers at Fingertongs. Why aren’t you running a more aggressive advertising campaign? I could have really used a pair during the Summer of 2006 when I burnt my left hand grabbing a hamburger off the grill. Sure, I was seven beers deep but how is that my fault? I needed your gloves that can take up to 500°F and reduce splatter. Oooh! That’s right! I spent all my money on beer, so can you hook it up? No? But I don’t have the $18 you require for this “purchase” you speak of. Fuck it. I’m just going to go grab a hot dog off the grill.

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Let me tell you something, you silly goose. Grilling isn’t a way of cooking, it’s a way of survival. As in, if I don’t eat a fucking burger in the next 45 minutes, I’m going to die of starvation. At least I think so. Either way, you need the Longhorn Steer Grill. It’s not just a grill, it’s a grill shaped like a steer/bull. Think of the possibilities: parties, bar mitzvahs and so much more. You can even put a cowboy hat on the cow and everyone will laugh at your carefully crafted joke. Yeah, you’re that good.

Made by Traeger Grills, the Longhorn Steer Grill isn’t for the grilling novice who can’t appreciate the taste of Lea & Perrins. A grill that goes for $1700 demands the utmost respect and patience. In time, you’ll find that with the right amount of beef and concentration, your stomach can swell to over six hundred times its regular size. At least that’s what my uncle told me.

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Now this is a basting brush I would use on the grill. It’s called the Strange Ways Basting Brush and costs $15. What’s so special about it? You can bend it to any angle you see fit so you can reach “difficult” places on your turkey/ham/child in the oven. It’s made of silicone, so it won’t catch fire and burn the fuck out of your hand when you’re using it. Seems like a sure bet.

Plus it looks like you could use it on your girlfriend too.

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Now this isn’t your typical backpack, so don’t go filling up that trendy pontoon bag with charcoal and lighting it on fire. Lazzari has gotten it right with its new Baja BBQ Backpack. It’s a container made up of 100% recycled paper pulp and contains two pounds of charcoal.

In short, you grab your grill, throw the BBQ Backpack in there, light it on fire and in 20 minutes, you have a nice set of glowing coals to cook your meats and treats on. No price is available, but you should see these popping up in gourmet grocery stores (Whole Foods, Wegmans, Trader Joes) in the near future.

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You can never be too prepared. While you’re roasting a sausage or two on the grill, you never know when your arch nemesis will pop up out of the woods and attack with swords ablazin’. The BBQ Fencing Sword and Mask not only allows you to look the roll of a vigilante, but will surely scare off any evil forces when they see how rough you treat your burgers.

Do you think Zorro would drop his character just because his wife and children were whining about BBQ ribs? You bet your ass he didn’t! And even if he did, he’d be sure to be seen in the tabloids the next day, totally ruining his bad-ass reputation. Ditch the “Kiss the Chef” apron, you girly man, and start challenging random slices of meat to duels. It’s the only way.

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When the volume of a gas decreases at a maintained pressure, the temperature of the remaining gas falls. Such is the law the defines the concept behind the Jet Engine-powered Beer Cooler. Using a LPG cylinder and a jet engine to cool his favorite brew, the designer of the beer cooler is never without an icy cold one.

If you can get your hands on the beer pouring robot, you have the makings of a BBQ of epic proportions, and a side-note to the manliest of the bots. All we need now is a robot to properly later our ribs in sauce. — Andrew Dobrow

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