Gearfuse

In my younger and more vulnerable years, I owned many action figures from the hit TV show Transformers. Of course, in those years we didn’t have access to bitchin’ projector clocks with Optimus Prime’s head mounted for show such as this one.

This decapitated Optimus Prime voices your favorite phrases from the show, like “Autobots transform and roll out.” You’ll awake swearing that you, yourself are an Autobot. I’m here to assure you: you’re not. It’s $37 dollars, which isn’t bad at all considering that Marlboro Transformers are $8 bucks a pop in New York and only transform into lung cancer.

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This is exactly what I need: an alarm clock that throws a tantrum, immediately awakening me from any dream I’m having, no matter how provocative. It’s the kind of clock that’d give any elderly person sleeping beside it a heart attack. This isn’t that bullshit Da Vinci Alarm clock, either. It actually tells time.

Five minutes before the alarm goes off its feet and body will start glowing. That’s your first warning that the shit is about to hit the fan. If you haven’t awaken from natural intuition or were too slow to hit the snooze button by then, a minute after the alarm goes off the clock throws a tempter tantrum. It’s almost like waking up to the girlfriend you’ve never wanted and at a price of $49.95, it’s also cheaper than the girlfriend you’ve never wanted.

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