From personal experience, I can say that just because an alarm clock is shrill and obnoxious, doesn’t mean it’s going to get my alcoholic lazy ass out of bed. What I need is something that’s going to make me rise for the occasion. The Orgasmo Clock has the answer.

Instead of the standard high pitched chirping of a classic alarm clock, Orgasmo goes with the less orthodox “female orgasm” sound. Even better, the clock can’t fake it. When it’s time to get up, you’ll hear a moaning woman beckoning your call. Get your own for $25. — Andrew Dobrow

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• Space Invader Alarm Clock [SciFi] - A retro touch for nightmares of extraterrestrial abductions. Anal probe not included.
• Solar Powered Wheelchairs [Ecofriend] - For the much targeted “Eco-thinking amputee” demographic.
• The Bearded Cap [Core77] - A winter cap that makes you looks like you have a nice beard.*Insert Chuck Norris quip here.*
• Super Mario Galaxy Sells A Shitload [Kotaku] - A shitload = 500k copies in the first week. Warning: Not the scientific term.

I have learned to absolutely loathe the sound of alarm clocks. The high-frequency buzzing and beeping of the things make me want to smash the living hell out of any alarm clock that comes in eye or earshot. The Hybrid Alarm Clock by Francesco Costacurta uses a pulsing, flashing, red light to wake you up instead.

Place it close enough to you and the incessant lighting is supposed to wake you, and only you, up out of your slumber. I have a feeling I would start to hate all sources of light too. Which could pose a problem. — Andrew Dobrow

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Part alarm clock, part weather forecaster, part newspaper, part communication device, and 100% cool. If we knew something like this existed, you all would have known about it way before now. Nabaztag is a smart rabbit which is capable of so many things that it’s hard to explain them all here.

For example, you can email your family member’s Nabaztags, and the rabbit will dictate your email through voice. When they say this is a smart bunny, they really mean that this is a genius bunny with the mind of a secretary / assistant. Check out the link for more details about what this little guy can do. — Andrew Dobrow

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More and more people are relying on their cellphones to get them out of bed in the morning. There are times where the volume on the cellphone just isn’t enough to pull you out of your slumber. This glass vessel amplifies the vibrations and directs the sound of the alarm directly into your ear hole.

Something like this should definitly be marketed. We have a feeling a lot of people would be interested. If not, they can just get themselves more of an extreme alarm clock. — Andrew Dobrow

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Stationary products are generally small and easy to lose. In fact, I have no idea where the hell my staple removers are right now. That’s right. Removers. Plural, bitches. Maybe if we had learned about something like the Stationoli earlier, we wouldn’t be in the pickle we are now, with many staples in need of removing. The Stationoli provides a way to keep all of your stationary together as one unit.

Stationoli includes a stapler, a staple remover, sticky notes, a paper clip holder, a calculator, pencil sharpener, and of course…an alarm clock? Okay, that one doesn’t make to much sense since we’re pretty sure most people don’t sleep with their stationary. Though, Stationoli seems like a cool gizmo to have around. Especially during tax season. Available now for $40. — Andrew Dobrow

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Be afraid…be very afraid. The SnuzNLuz Alarm Clock teaches you to be more punctual in one of the most torturous ways possible. SnuzNLuz connects directly to your bank account and donates money to an organization you can’t stand every time you oversleep. The example used is the GOP. For all we care you can set it to be the NAACP. Whatever gets your ass out of bed and keeps your money in check.

Though if you do decide to order a SnuzNLuz, we suggest donating money to the “feed the Gearfuse writers” fund. All proceeds will be used to feed me. Setup is easy. The clock is equipped with Ethernet and WiFi capabilities and it supports over 1600 different banks, so yours is probably there. ThinkGeek offers these donation ideas:

Are you a butcher? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to PETA.
Are you a republican? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the ACLU!
Are you a land developer? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the Wilderness Society!
Enjoy your freedom? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the GOP.
Are you a hippie? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to the American Coal Foundation.
Are you a Ninja? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to, hrrrm, we can’t find a Pirate Charity at the moment. But there must be one somewhere anyways, the point is it’s easy to setup once you identify your enemy!

We’d like to add “Are you not an asshole? Set your SnuzNLuz to donate to Gearfuse.” Oh, we’re just kidding. But seriously…give us money. — Andrew Dobrow

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When we hear that alarm clock beeping in our ears in the morning, we either ignore it, or wish we had a gun to blow the damn thing to pieces. With this gun operated alarm clock you can have all of the fun of the second option, while wiping out the need of the first. Designed by Roger Ibars, this resulting gadget from a DIY project is an uplifting way to start the morning.

When the alarm starts beeping, all you gotta do is grab the Duck Hunt-like gun from your night stand and pretend to blast the annoying beeper into nonexistence. The clock is only a concept model so don’t expect to be seeing it on any store shelves, though this idea is too good to pass up. A gun is one of the only things we wish we had in the morning, if not only to shoot up our neighbors’ yapping dog. (Warning: No annoying animals were shot in the making of this article) — Andrew Dobrow

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“This product aims to redefine the alarm clock”. And if it does what it says it does, then the “Awake” will do that and more. With digital science progressing at every turn, there was no doubt that technology would soon evolve to aid sleeping patterns and relaxation, which is what designer Ming Hsu accomplishes here. The Awake is both an alarm clock and a night light. The night light is a nice little touch for people who stumble around and stub their toes in their quest for the bathroom. The Awake is also super programmable. Program it to create a relaxing environment with music and soothing fragrances. Then allow yourself to feel the relaxation of a good night’s sleep. — Andrew Dobrow

Night Light / Alarm Clock by Ming Hsu [Yanko Design]

In the 80’s, Casio was the king of campy gadgets that they knew would make us look back from the future to giggle and prod at. The Casio Robot Alarm Clock doesn’t fail in that venture either.

The stumpy, and almost awkwardly heavy-looking Robot Alarm Clock would of thrilled any child of the 80’s, both then and now. But what would a child of the present say? “Why doesn’t the chart in the middle mooooove? Where are the blinking numbers? What’s this talk about a clock having arms and a face?”

It’s sad, but true. Children have become so accustomed to the typical digital read-out that we’re afraid most wouldn’t be able to tell the time on an average everyday analog clock. And schools aren’t doing much to keep our children informed about our time-telling past. Is this what the future has come to? Forgetting everything that has led up to now?

Ok, so we might be taking this a little to far. The nostalgia of seeing this Casio Robot clock just has a way of playing with our heart strings more then any drama movie or digital clock ever could. Eh, the robot looks stupid anyway. Maybe the 80’s weren’t the fabulous times we remember. — Andrew Dobrow

Casio Robot Alarm Clock [Retro Thing]