Fortune cookies are probably the last place you would think to look for a serious fortune. The second least place to look for answers is a Magic 8-Ball. Combine the two together, and you get one odd question-answering baked good.
Whenever you get stuck with a moment of indecisiveness, the Magic Fortune Cookie will be there to help you decide, whether it be to get married or not to get married, or simply to get out of bed. Just pray you don’t get one of those “Not Sure. Try Again Later” comments. Damn temperamental cookie. Get your own psychic cookie for $9.99. — Andrew Dobrow