The Newly Patented Self-Burying Screw-In Coffin

When I die I want to be locked inside of a hermetically sealed screw-shaped chamber and screwed into the ground, rather than buried, with little, if any assistance from a grave digger. If I had made this request a month ago, it would have seemed outlandish and eccentric. But I’m proving all my critics wrong!

California inventor Donald Scruggs was awarded a patent for his Self-Burying Screw-In Coffin. But why, you might ask, would anyone want to be screwed into the ground rather than buried? According to the patent, “[the coffins] greatly reduce excavation labor and burial costs…they also decrease the land space required for each burial and provide for burials in normally unused areas within the cemetery.” I want the corner with the nice view. Or maybe I’ll just be cremated.

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