I know what you’re thinking. Giant underwear, right? Wrong, it’s not wearable underwear, it’s a rug. Now, I can get rid of that dead bear decorating my Summer log cabin. Just lay this fuzzy under-garment down and it’ll look like you don’t give two shits about doing laundry.  It’s just $24 dollars, though I wish it wasn’t so small. I know I couldn’t fit into a pair that’s 25 inches by 20 inches. That would never even begin to cover the study in my Summer log cabin, either.

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When you’re drunk, you’re bound to make a fool out of yourself. You’re also probably bound to piss a lot that night so why not make the most of it? Slap one of these fire hose thongs on and let ‘er flow. Got a wife who’s into really freaky shit? Dress up like a fireman and then shower her with piss. What a fantastic idea.

At $8.99, you don’t have to be Alec Baldwin to afford a fire hose that resides on your cock. Plunk down the cash, invite George Michael over and piss up a storm, baby.

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If you’re like me, a lard ass who needs to check his blood all the time, then you’re in luck. There is underwear that checks your blood pressure and I even like the color. Using a sensor attached to the waste (good luck rocking a belt), the underwear measures your pulse and calculates blood pressure from there, ultimately letting you know how out of shape you are:

Each sensor continually measures the electrical impedance of the tissue beneath it – a property that changes as the pulse wave passes by. A pair of such sensors can calculate the speed of the pulse wave by timing how long it takes to travel from one sensor to the other.

Once calibrated with a conventional blood-pressure reading, the electrodes can then give accurate blood-pressure readings, while the wearer enjoys the comfort of their own underpants.

And enjoy the comfort of our own underpants, we will.

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Fatties who recently lost a ton of weight like to joke around, saying things like “Wow, my fat jeans are so big that I can fit another person in them.” Ok, that’s great. You used to be fat. It doesn’t seem as impressive that you can fit another person in those jeans when something like Fundies is available for only $4.99.

As the packaging states, here is what is included “4 Legs And 2 Rears (2 Close Friends Not Included)” I would like to add that their are not two enemies or acquaintances included either. Another quote from the statement seems like an apt description. “Half the fun is getting in them, the other half’s up to you.” — Andrew Dobrow

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Still not sure on what to get your lady for the 14th? Check out these HTTPanties. All of the colors come with strategically placed error messages. Including 403 Forbidden, 200 OK, 413 Requested Entity Too Large, and 411 Length Required.

Depending on the size of your input plug, the latter two could be a really funny joke. Of course, until she breaks up with you and tells all her friends about it. That could keep you out of the game for years. Just think wisely, we suppose.

Check them out at Think Geek. Only $7.99 a pair. Is that cheap for underwear? We have no idea. — Andrew Dobrow

HTTPanties [ThinkGeek, via Gearlog]