Steve Jobs is dead. Steve Jobs is not dead. Steve Jobs is sick. Steve Jobs is not sick. I’m sick of this shit.

Clearly, Steve Jobs is immortal and all this news of his demise is a load of cow dung. Who makes this crap up anyway? The SEC tracked down the little bastard responsible, who just so happens to be an 18-year-old kid with nothing better to do.

Blogger and dickhead “Johntw” wrote:

“I have an insider who tells me that paramedics were called after Steve claimed to be suffering from severe chest pains and shortness of breath,” the author wrote. “My source has opted to remain anonymous, but he is quite reliable.”

Quite reliable for a source that never existed, don’t you think? Will we ever see these fabrications of poor Jobs’ put to an end? So long as he’s the anchor holding Apple’s stock, you can expect more of these falsehoods to make an appearance. Good thing Steve Jobs is immortal.

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Jim Lynch over at Extreme Tech wrote a funny post we just couldn’t ignore. Almost the entire column goes over how much Steve Jobs is in dire need of a wardrobe intervention. All of his clothes are either too short or too baggy due to his recent loss of weight. C’mon Steve, you’ve got cash, you can afford leather. Anything but those horrid workout clothes you’re always sporting. What would you want to see Steve in? Pierre Cardin? BOSS?

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Found on Wikipedia, this image is (purportedly) the first web server on the World Wide Web. It’s an old NeXTCube machine that Tim Berners-Lee used at the CERN lab in Geneva, Switzerland. In case you weren’t aware, our handsome publisher, Steve Rufer, is also from Geneva. So in honor of Steve Jobs and our dignity, we’re going to beg him to break into the Microcosm museum and steal it for us. We want to destroy the computer that became catalyst for MySpace and Goatse.

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The iPod Touch is great for people who want an iPhone-like interface, but what about those of us who love the original “iPod Classic” look and feel, but want some sort of modern advancement? Jobs and Co. are on it, with a recently revealed patent showing a revamp of the scroll wheel system.

The scroll wheel thankfully remains present in the patent, though takes a lesson from its touchy-feely counterparts, integrating a touch pad which provides a visual feedback with light when it’s touched, depending on the function you are using. The patent discusses different ways that light can be used to provide an interactive interface. Pretty interesting stuff for us iPod freaks. — Andrew Dobrow

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With some official Leopard info just fresh off the wire, Apple is understandably excited about their upcoming OS. They’re so excited, they deemed it necessary to build an entire page built around the greatness of the new Leopard operating system.

Featured on the page is all 300+ innovations that Leopard brings to the table as the first official OS upgrade since OS X. You can remember how excited we were when Apple gave a visual demonstration of Leopard at Jobs’ WWDC Keynote speech. You can only imagine the loads we are filling our pants with now. — Andrew Dobrow

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