Gearfuse

The entire tech world is a flutter with news that Steve Jobs has returned to Apple. As promised, Jobs said he would be back in June and rumor has it that he’s not back 100%, but rather, is helping interim CEO Tim Cook out and telecommuting through email according to a USA Today report. This is fantastic news not just for Apple fans, but for stockholders as well. It ensures their prized asset is still doing just fine and can continue to create products that are a smash hit. Because let’s face it, without Steve Jobs, Apple is only half the man it used to be.

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Hear that flood? That’s the sound of Apple shareholders and investors selling off their stake in the company as quickly as humanly possible. Why? CEO Steve Jobs just took a temporarily leave of absence from Apple. Here’s his note to Apple employees:

Team,

I am sure all of you saw my letter last week sharing something very personal with the Apple community. Unfortunately, the curiosity over my personal health continues to be a distraction not only for me and my family, but everyone else at Apple as well. In addition, during the past week I have learned that my health-related issues are more complex than I originally thought.
In order to take myself out of the limelight and focus on my health, and to allow everyone at Apple to focus on delivering extraordinary products, I have decided to take a medical leave of absence until the end of June.

I have asked Tim Cook to be responsible for Apple’s day to day operations, and I know he and the rest of the executive management team will do a great job. As CEO, I plan to remain involved in major strategic decisions while I am out. Our board of directors fully supports this plan.

I look forward to seeing all of you this summer.

Steve

Now this is what we call epic shit in the tech industry.

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Steve Jobs is a lot like a teenage girl. He is all about the outfits, obsesses about his foes and is dealing with hormone issues. Wait, what? That’s right. The Wall Street Journal posted this excerpt of a statement from Steve Jobs:

…my doctors think they have found the cause — a hormone imbalance that has been “robbing” me of the proteins my body needs to be healthy. … The remedy for this nutritional problem is relatively simple and straightforward, and I’ve already begun treatment.

Losing protein doesn’t sound very healthy, but really Steve? Hormones? Perhaps I should get you a stick of Proactiv for your acne and a book on wet dreams or “nocturnal emissions.” It seems that all the Apple rumors about Steve Jobs dying, etc. can be laid to rest…for now.

UPDATE: Steve Jobs’ letter from Apple.

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The word just came in over the wire. World War III has begun and it doesn’t involve Iran or Russia. This time, the war is being fought in our own backyards against allergies and smog, with especially hard times for those in Los Angeles. Luckily, our buddies in Korea was able to ship over some NOSK Transparent Nasal Filters for us to use. Rather than look like something out of Ghostbusters with a full-size face mask, we’ll now have the latest in nose-filtering technology at our disposal.

How does it work? Boy, am I glad you asked:

Sported by asthma sufferer Korean Olympian Park Tae?hwan , NOSK, a new 3-layer nasal filter created by Sam Joung International Co. reduces the inhalation of pollutants and allergens by over 80%. You can still talk and eat wearing NOSK, which means it can become a seamless addition to your routine, and unlike masks, your glasses won’t fog each time you breath. Each filter is usable for up to 24 hours so you can just put it on in the morning on the way to work, and toss it in the trash upon arrival home.

Essentially, we can all become supermutants through the power of NOSK. We’ll breathe easier and can even smoke cigarettes while using it. Now that’s what I call multitasking.

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The practical uses for unmanned aerial vehicles are proving limitless. Once used for espionage and photography, these airborne spy bots just fell victim to a role reversal: they’ve gone from spy to medic. Well, while they don’t exactly heal wounds out on the battlefield, they do provide air transport for supplies needed in dire situations. Think of them as carrier bots.

The South African National Health Laboratory Service has been testing prototype UAVs designed to transport testing materials and medical supplies to communities that are too much of a burden for ground delivery.  These robotic carrier pigeons are pre-programmed using GPS and microelectronic gyroscopes to guide them to their destination and can even handle themselves in windy conditions. After all, a little turbulence never hurt any blood mid-transit.

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National Guardsmen who pilot Army Predator drones are suffering symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. Predator pilots launch missile attacks remotely from bases in Texas, Arizona, Nevada, and Southern California. They work in front of video screens in air conditioned trailers and go home to their families every night, but the pilots and their commanders say they are experiencing PTSD just like soldiers on the battlefield.

Predators have recently been outfitted with new higher-resolution cameras. Army personnel say the improved optics force Predator pilots to see graphic images of the impact of their bombings. Missions often require Predators to remain in the air over their targets to observe the aftermath of their attacks. These findings are bad news because the military is increasingly planning to use remote controlled drones for combat operations.

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After pissing off investors, causing Apple stock to fall and acting shadier than Mickey Rourke after posting bail, Steve Jobs has finally spoken on the issue of his personal health. He claims he is fine and doesn’t have cancer and that everyone should mind they’re fucking business, essentially. This lets everyone breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that Apple’s famous CEO is doing fine.

That said, now everyone is going to be screaming about the “Mac Tablet.” Ugh.

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Investors won’t buy your stock if they think your CEO is going to croak the following year. After the WWDC conference in June, Apple reps blamed Jobs’ more than unusual thin build on an unspecified illness that required antibiotic treatment. Despite repeated requests, company officials are not commenting on the status of Jobs’ ailment.

Jobs is a survivor of pancreatic cancer and also happens to be one of the most powerful people in business. As such, his health is of great concern for those who care for nothing more than their wallet size.

For a visionary chief executive like Jobs – who drives the development of Apple’s hit products – health is a material factor in the company’s performance, and something investors should know about ASAP.

Well, no one lives forever. So, where will Apple be after Steve Jobs?
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out and bought fresh fruit, only to have it mold by sitting in my refrigerator’s crisper drawer. It’s both a waste of food and money and can be quite frustrating at times. This is where BLUE enters the picture.

BLUE will cleanse your fruits through emitting a special light that kills bacteria on the skin of your pears, peaches and other delicious delicacies (a process known as Action Fresh Blue technology.) A beautiful blue ambient light glows when the device is on and cleansing your food. BLUE comes with a charger and a removable bowl that you can easily clean. After the jump, a collage showing how BLUE works:
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Hey, fatty / string bean / muscle man / average weight person or otherwise. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Why must you lie to yourself? You think you’re so healthy, but trust me, there must be something wrong with you. And whatever it is, you bet your ass the Overall Health Balance Scale finds it and taunts you with it.

To be honest, there are other scales that might take the same exact measurements. The Overall device measures your weight, BMI, subcutaneous fat ratio, organ fat level, muscle level, and basal metabolic rate, but does it stop there? Psh, of course not. This little bugger goes even further, grading your health in each category on a five point scale, and then offering you a overall health rating based on your age. If your plump paunch is so large in circumference that you can’t read the digital read out, an easy-to-read screen is able to be read at eye level. That is, if you haven’t already lost your upper limbs to diabetes.

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