Gearfuse

Even though I’m all-man, I don’t mind being a puss every once in a while and cooking for my woman. Cooking usually equals ordering a pizza and saying I made it from scratch. The problem with this plan is that most cookery is made for ladies, as is the nature of things. So I need a pizza cutter that’s really going to let everyone know that I’m a feral male on the prowl despite being prone to cook for my woman.

Oh… I’m sorry, is “my” too much? Does it imply ownership? I meant the woman I screw when I come home from my long day of spitting on strippers and beating hookers.

This Pizza Cutter Chainsaw lets the opposite sex know that you’re not only capable of slicing a pizza, but also fully able to kill their exes and dispose of their bodies without a trace. Not that you would, of course. Just sayin’. All of that information from one device? Where do I sign?!

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This is how you do it in the Marines. You take an AR-15 automatic rifle, slap on a chainsaw and boom, you have a replica of the Lancer from Gears of War. Sure, you can’t chop people up with it (legally), but what’s to stop you from going apeshit on a cactus out in the Nevada desert? My thoughts exactly.

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Gamers looking for the ultimate pre-order package should look no further than Gears of War 2. If you head on over to Amazon and pre-order soon, you’ll score a life-size replica of the Lancer weapon, complete with blood-stained blade and all. Pull the trigger and you’ll hear sounds and the gun will vibrate. Just like being 8-years-old all over again.

Of course, this bit of awesomeness isn’t coming cheap. Plunk down $210 on Gears of War 2 and you’ll score both a copy of the game and a Lancer. Wait a few weeks and you’ll be able to scoop up the Lancer sans game for a mere $140. All you need now is to threaten your wife’s vagina with this thing and the sex will just keep on cummin’.

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