Gearfuse

I’m sure you can pick this up at every other subway stop in New York, but, ah, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Tarzan? Nice. Real nice.

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This has gotta hurt the ego of Take-Two and Rockstar Games. Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars, the latest iteration of GTA on the Nintendo DS, hasn’t been selling. At all. Since its release in March, it’s sold a mere 88,704 copies. Compare that with over 7 million copies of GTA IV and you have a complete massacre. Business Insider thinks the reason for the lack of sales is due to the fact that most DS owners are children, with which I somewhat agree.

Regardless, Rockstar better start pushing this game hard or its top franchise is in for a hurtin’.

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So, here’s the deal. Some dude bought two used copies of Grand Theft Auto games for his 12-year-old son and was surprised to find a few ecstasy pills wrapped in cling wrap, hidden in the video game’s manual. Instead of quietly thanking the gaming gods and grabbing the nearest bottle of water, the father decided to cause a little scuff, claiming that his kids, whom apparently play XBox constantly, could have died if they had taken the mysterious pills.

Dude, if your 12-year-old son is still swallowing random things he finds wrapped in suspicious looking cling wrap, it’s safe to say he shouldn’t be playing Grand Theft Auto in the first place. Not to mention the little gaming addict is wearing an AIG shirt. I mean, really? Teach your son some values.

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We’ve all misplaced our car keys at one point or another. The problem lies around two o’ clock in the morning when you’re shit-faced drunk, have no money for a cab and your keys fall into a sewage drain.

No worries. Wired has the solution. It explains in detail all that is required to get your car up and running without the need of your car keys. Hopefully, you can prove you’re the owner of the vehicle you’re driving after getting caught by police thanks to some wicked anti-theft devices. Other than that, all that is required is some wire strippers and a flat head screwdriver. Grand theft auto has never been easier!

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A Thai youth confessed to robbing and murdering a taxi driver while trying to recreate a scene from Grand Theft Auto 4. It is said that he was curious about whether or not it was as easy to steal a taxi in real life as it is in the game. Well kid, it is. Was your curiosity worth the pending charge that could result in death by lethal injection?

In an effort to disparage future occurrences of impressionable kids gone mad, Sakchai Chotikachinda, sales and marketing director of New Era Interactive Media has urged distributors to pull the game from their shelves. This is the worst news we’ve heard since Rockstar Games declared a GTA for the DS. We all know no gamer is more impressionable than a Nintendo fan boy.

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The video game industry comes up with a lot of crap. But now and then, there comes a game which everyone holds their breathe for, anticipating its release like a child on his birthday waiting for gifts. Then the inevitable shoot down, when you realize all you’ve gotten for a whole year of being a spoiled brat is a lousy sweater. That is the feeling these would-be games give us. We’ve limited the list down to five secure choices that poked at our consciousness and caused our anxiety to run a muck. Hit the jump to dive in:

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So, you thought Nintendo DS had nothing more to offer than some Nintendogs and Pur Pals? Think again, you wannabe veterinarian. A new Grand Theft Auto was announced exclusively for the Nintendo DS. Bringing a whole new storyline to Liberty City, Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars will be your one (and only) chance to show those Triads that you don’t fuck around, you mean business.

Being the first GTA title for the DS, you can bet there will be a custom game engine designed for the game that will utilize the DS’s touch screen, though no specific details have been announced. We’re just hoping it has the classic top-down view from the original Grand Theft Auto we all know and love.

Chinatown will require players to “uncover the truth behind an epic tale of crime and corruption within the Triad crime syndicate,” says Rockstar.

Wait.. “an epic tale of crime and corruption?” Where have I heard this before? Hit the jump to find out:

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TorrentFreak has a great article up on the history of one of the stupidest forms of DRM ever: The Lenslok. A small plastic device with multiple prism-like lenses, you’d hold the device up to the TV when a game prompted you to enter a secret message. Here’s an example of how this piece of shit was used:
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I’m pretty sure Doom is the single greatest contribution to the computer to grace our planet. It defined the first-person shooter genre and every sequel just kept getting better and better with Doom 3 blowing everyone away a few years back. Now the latest installment, Doom 4, has been confirmed by id Software’s CEO, Todd Hollenshead. The above picture is supposedly a shot from the new title.

Currently, id is looking to hire “the greatest talent and brightest minds in the industry” for its signature title. No release date has been given but apparently the game will be released on both console and PC simultaneously. OK, you can get back to Grand Theft Auto IV now.

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Grand Theft Auto mania is running wild, brother! We figured in the spirit of the game’s release, many of you hooligans are either feeling the game so much that you’ve got your own little real life crime spree planned, or you’re so scared from the game’s contents, that you’re ready to go all out military protection and armor down the hatchets.

Either way, we’ve got you covered. (more…)